The 213 Things ...

For those of you who haven't seen Skippy's List List it's a list of things one should definitely NOT do while in the army. I got to thinking, what are the things one shouldn't do while in a Kabal ... I'm sure we can find one or two ...


The 213 Things a Kabalite is not allowed to do in the Black Heart


+ Not allowed to poke shadows randomly "to look for Mandrake spies". Mandrakes are always behind you.

+ Not allowed to greet our Mandrake allies with "It's behind you!" pantomime-style.

+ Darklight is not a diet form of darkness.

+ It is not permitted (or wise) to taunt Wyches about having funny tan lines.

+ It is not permitted to refer to Scourges as either "Budgie Boy" or "Batman".

+ Our unit Haemonculus is not Dr. Death.

+ Even if this makes him smile.

+ Do not make the Haemonculi smile.

+ My Ravager does not get to park anywhere it wants to.

+ It is not wise to play pin the slave on the Ur-Ghul.

+ Do not challenge new recruits to swimming races in the River Khaides.

+ Do not challenge Supreme Overlord Asdrubael Vect to a game of Scrabble.

+ It would be sensible not to refer to Nyos Yllithian as El-Uriaq's cuddly toy.

+ It is not recommended to ask a Mandrake to 'hold your Ice Cream', no matter how warm the day is.

+ A Klaive is not for cutting cake.

+ I may not dress as a Lhamaean while on duty.

+ I may not fight for my right to party.

+ Wracks have many specialist roles, but there is no Coat Wrack, Drying Wrack or iWrack.

+ Do not tickle an Incubus on duty.

+ Or off duty.

+ I have not developed Hypertweezers as a countermeasure to the Splinter Rifle.

+ A shadow field does not constitute full dress uniform.

+ Do not call the Grotesques 'Ugly'. They have feelings too.

+ I should not Mosh-Pit with the Hellions.

+ I can not ask Duke Sliscus to give me a poem.

+ I am not allowed to crack open my Dracon's Ghosplate armour expecting his voice to go high pitched.

+ No, the Name Kabal of the Hopping Bunny is not scary enough.

+ It is not advisable to caption murals of Harlequins with 'Taste the Rainbow'.

+ Sliscus is not your local dealer.

+ The Cult of the Seventh Woe is not a Pleasure House.

+ Lelith Hesperax does not work there.

+ I am not allowed to set up a tours business to Aelindrach.

+ I am not to lick Tau slaves to get high.

+ I must not play 'Toss the Tau'.

+ It makes the Slavemasters cry.

+ Duke Sliscus is not David Bowie.

+ Incubi do not need a hug.

Edit:

+Even though they may look tasty, Agonisers are not Liquorice Whips.

+ I don't care what the steroids have done; shaving the Talos is not advisable.

+ Gnarlskin is not like onion skin. Do not peel the Wracks.

+ Stroking the Cronos will not make it purr.

+ I must not shave with a Venom Blade.

+ Raiders do not require fluffy dice.

+ Do not play Buckaroo on Kheradruakh.

+ Or Drazhar.

Edit:

+ Do not play Frisbee with a Shattershard.

+ It is idiotic to keep you watch near an Animus Vitae.

+ Shredders do not use the correct type of net for your Entomological pastimes.

+ Staring down the barrel of a Blaster to see if it is loaded is not advised.

+ I must not have a staring contest with a Medusae.

+ Scourges do not enjoy being plucked for your new company, ‘Quills ‘Я’ Us’.

+ Getting a piggyback ride from a Mandrake does not make you invisible.

+ Do not boil a Razorwing’s eggs.

+ Boiling a Razorwing’s eggs upsets the Beastmasters.

- The archon's court is not a petting zoo.
- Do not feed the Khymerae after midnight (they turn into cuddly fluffy creatures with a penchant for humming)
- Do not poke the clawed fiend, it makes him angry (you won't like him when he's angry)
- Don't tease the haemonculus, you'll only regret it when he peels off your face

-Never make a bet with a Haemonculus when death is on the line!
-Do not flaunt your plasma grenades in front of the Incubi.
-Do not flaunt your ten Incubi in front of Drazhar.
-Do not state that Baron Sathonyx's extra-large hellglaive is "compensating for something". Within earshot.
-Do not ask Lelith if all of her hair is weaponized.
-A Master Haemonculus' exquisite arcane wargear is not stored in a "toybox"
-Even if they were, do not go looking for said box!
-Our Succubus ally is not a "big Hekatrix"! She is very sensitive about her combat ability/girlish figure!
-Three Razorwing Jetfighters do not constitute a "Razorwing Flock"
-Please do not refer to the elegant Venom's hail of poisoned death as "more Dakka"
-On that note, our brilliant Archon's strategy is far more complex than "Chop the shooty ones, shoot the choppy ones!"
-This is why the Archon, and ONLY the Archon, is allowed to utter "Exactly as planned!"
-Yes, this armor is the best we could afford for you tube-spawned. Problem, Kabalite?

Finally:

-"I killed Mephiston, and all I got was this lousy Pain Token" is NOT an acceptable slogan for your squad banner!

CaptainBalroga wrote:

-"I killed Mephiston, and all I got was this lousy Pain Token" is NOT an acceptable slogan for your squad banner!

Hahaha, excellent. Golden cookie for you.

Sounds like Space Marine commandments, and who doesn't love those?

-NEVER put on zombie voices near Grotesques
-I won't call the Grey Knights overpowered when one psyfleman dreadnought destroys all our transports. Wait until said psyfleman dreadnough is gone.
-I must not suggest that Vect should join that weekly chess game between Tzeentch, the Emperor, Cegorach and the Deceiver, no matter how awesome he is.

- You shall not use Vect's Dais to "Pick up".
-"Relax, it'll grow back." is not a valid reason for removing any of Urien's limbs.
-The Chronus is not a party keg.
-Having a Scourge on your shoulder does not constitute a pirate costume.
-Your Raider will not "Do a barrel roll."

Quote :

-Having a Scourge on your shoulder does not constitute a pirate costume

+ I am not to point helpfully to Urien's face and tell him "you have a little something just there"

+ It is never a good idea to respond to your opponent with the phrase "oh yeah you and whose army?"

+ .Supreme Overlord Asdrubael Vect is not compensating for his lowly birth by having a really big shiny title

+ Supreme Overlord Asdrubael Vect is not compensating for anything else by having a really big shiny title

+ Do not refer to your tube-born fellow warriors as 'jar babies', it makes them cry.

+ No, this does not make them 'jar cry babies'.

+ I may not suggest 'Make love not war' as a unit motto.

+ I may not suggest this as a motto for our Wych allies.

+ Supreme Overlord Asdrubael Vect has no secret embarrassing middle name. and I am not allowed to run a unit book on what the embarrassing secret middle name he doesn't have is.

+ I am not to spend all our unit's propaganda fund on printing out Advice Archon posters.

+ We are Ynneas Eladrith, we thrive on pain and suffering! Therefore getting a papercut does not excuse me from weapons practice.

+ Not even if it really stings.

- Rubbing a Soul Trap will not cause a genie to materialize.

- Never intend that Lhamaeans have much to do with llamas.

- Yes, Hellions might be unbearable teenagers, but that does not permit you to seize their ears.

-You shall not greet Scourges with "Who's a pretty boy then".
-Nor shall you offer them Crackers.
-There must always be a Vect in Commorragh.

+ Old Archons with big shoulder pads are not 'top heavy Weebles', and I should not attempt to tip them.
+ Neither must I take my squad Incubus tipping.
+ Do not use a Huskblade to cut vegetables with.
+ Attempt to set up a Grotesque Rodeo at your own risk.

CaptainBalroga wrote:

-Never make a bet with a Haemonculus when death is on the line!

You can never go wrong with a Princess Bride reference.

+ No matter how many slaves you buy, you still need to participate real space raids.
+ You may not spank mon-keigh on duty, no matter how many pain tokens you might get.