The Finest Fall

Hi All:

I started writing this as a short bit of flavor text for a battle report. It just ended up growing. I do not have a background in creative writing but am curious if this would constitute "good" fiction. I have not really edited it that much and am concerned that it is too verbose/flowery.


Battle Brother Marcus took aim with his sniper rifle and joined his fire with his battle brothers. Though they were extremely effective weapons in their own right, the speed and armor plating of the xeno craft were proof against incoming fire. As it sped by limber figures threw themselves in front of the scouts. Their armor was thick and their helmets bore the likeness of wrathful daemons. As one, they hefted wickedly curved blades and formed a loose V. In the midst of these fearsome warriors was a being far worse. Her alabaster form was divine in its form and tone. Her expression was a mix of bemusement and contempt. A distant, long-dormant part of his mind acknowledged that the vile xeno could only be described as hauntingly beautiful.

Marcus only had a moment to take it all in before a horrifying meat-devil slammed into his chest with such force that his helmet was knocked off. Muscles tensed and twisted beneath unimaginably scared flesh as the creature flailed against the super human warrior. Though its strength was meager compared to his, Marcus had been knocked off of his feet. The creature had also bought its masters the time they needed to close the distance. He looked left just in time to see Brother Sergeant collapse in paralyzing agony at the lightest touch of a strange whip.

Enraged, he tried to crush his opponent’s arm and it cried out in masochistic pleasure. Marcus tightened his vice-like grip, was rewarded with a cracking sound, and then punched the creature in the face with his armored fist. Unperturbed, the creature jabbed at Marcus’s neck with its mangled arm. It flopped about weirdly but the fracture made it into an unwieldy shiv.  Bloodied but largely unharmed, the Ultramarine Scout found helmet and hit the ghoul with enough force to kill a man. The creature went flying like a children’s toy.

A feeling of grim satisfaction was the last thing to cross Marcus’s mind before the first Klaive finally fell. The Incubus cut through his right pauldron and part of his breastplate.  Another warrior put his foot down on his left arm and hacked it off at the elbow. A third blow came down, shattering his pelvis but not cutting Marcus in two. These enigmatic Eldar has decided to maim Marcus rather than killing him outright. Should he survive, Marcus would have to be interred in a dreadnaught.

Through the fog of pain, Marcus saw the she devil come into view. She spoke to her fellows in their fluid tongue and gave him a mockingly seductive look before turning to leave. Though this skirmish was over, the Ultramarine vox net was a cacophony of shouts and screams. Those voices were being silenced with alarming speed. Finally, an eerie calm settled across the vox net. Marcus could faintly hear the sounds of an alien revel—punctuated by inhuman screams—in the distance.

Marcus looked at his slain brothers and turned his gaze back to his ruined form, taking it all in.  “They were playing with their food,” he thought fatalistically. “It’s only a matter of time before she return to feed.”

No text can ever be too "flowery"! Well, I think...

Anyway, nice read. I dont mind that the reader doesn't really know who is what and how exactly did everything end up like that, I like to confuse readers in such ways!
Short combat scenes are good ways to practice writing. You just think up a place, people in it and how the fight goes.
Or, is there perhaps a bigger story behind this...?

Mngwa wrote:

Or, is there perhaps a bigger story behind this...?

This is from a tournament battle report, specifically a crushing victory I had over an Ultramarine army (15-1). I can expand it or write something else depending on how much work I need to be "good." It is from a battle report that I started writing. Generally speaking, I don't like the idea of writing from the Eldar perspective because you lose the "inscrutable motive" and "exotic feel" that all Eldar are supposed to give off.

Mngwa wrote:

No text can ever be too "flowery"! Well, I think...

I strongly disagree with this. Text can most assuredly be too flowery - there is a point where things transcend from being prose and shift to poetry or simple garble speak that is neigh incomprehensible to the reader.

I don't think this story is too flowery. I found the story perfectly enjoyable for what it was. I think you had an odd interplay of sentence fragments and some grammar issues, but it was a fun read.

I most often see text that should be more flowery, but thats true too.
As for the grammar mistakes, I still have difficulty spotting them and I can usually read a story fine even with them. Thank you horrible internet-english-grammar...
EDIT: Notice the finnish flag... not native english speaker!

It's a good start, but there are some grammatical errors and a fluff error that I noticed. I think with a bit of refining this could become an excellent short piece.

Thor665 wrote:

I don't think this story is too flowery. I found the story perfectly enjoyable for what it was. I think you had an odd interplay of sentence fragments and some grammar issues, but it was a fun read.

Mngwa wrote:

As for the grammar mistakes, I still have difficulty spotting them and I can usually read a story fine even with them. Thank you horrible internet-english-grammar...
EDIT: Notice the finnish flag... not native english speaker!

It's cool. I have a feeling that the social media component of my job has destroyed my ability to edit/write anything that isn't a paragraph long or a report. So, fluff oriented battle reports it is. Thanks!

I'd say that you have some characterful descriptions and the story, while short, is a good mid-battle scene. There are some grammatical errors, but I wouldn't say it was too flowery

For consistency, I'd say you should either refer to the Dark Eldar weapons and troop types by name, or from Marcus' own point of view all the way through. We only see things through his eyes, and at the start he doesn't seem to know what they are, so I'd suggest not using the DE names. That's my suggestion, anyhow

Dark_Kindred wrote:

the...armor plating of the xeno craft were proof against incoming fire.

Wait, I think I found the fluff error, amirite

Thor665 wrote:

Dark_Kindred wrote:

the...armor plating of the xeno craft were proof against incoming fire.

Wait, I think I found the fluff error, amirite

Damn, you got me there.