The first action.

Beaviz81 wrote:

Cavash wrote:

Ooh, awesome.

So you are giving in and writing about the Astartes, then?

Cool story so far.

Thanks mate.

Giving in? I likely would kill them off way too quickly, so I'm just rationalizing away why Astartes ain't getting involved due to an Inquisitor who was left with the bill twice by two unrelated chapters.

lol. Okay then, sounds awesome.

Poor little girl, wasn't her fault she was born with psyker abilities.

Zehra wrote:

Poor little girl, wasn't her fault she was born with psyker abilities.

Yeah poor girl, and socopathical soldiers didn't help either. Ouf the Emperor is a harsh god, which blessing is as much of a curse as anything IRL.

Indeed, that's why I wonder if there are any Atheists in Warhammer.

Zehra wrote:

Indeed, that's why I wonder if there are any Atheists in Warhammer.

Without a die-hard faith in the Emperor you are doomed in that harsh universe (demons will assault you soul and so on). Either you believe in the Emperor or you die, that's the human life in this setting.

Beaviz81 wrote:

Zehra wrote:

Indeed, that's why I wonder if there are any Atheists in Warhammer.

Without a die-hard faith in the Emperor you are doomed in that harsh universe (demons will assault you soul and so on). Either you believe in the Emperor or you die, that's the human life in this setting.

Wow, that sucks.

Zehra wrote:

Beaviz81 wrote:

Zehra wrote:

Indeed, that's why I wonder if there are any Atheists in Warhammer.

Without a die-hard faith in the Emperor you are doomed in that harsh universe (demons will assault you soul and so on). Either you believe in the Emperor or you die, that's the human life in this setting.

Wow, that sucks.

Yep, it's Grimdark.

Life sucks, and my brightest char is Carrus who with slight hesitation slaughters people too old to fight.

Beaviz81 wrote:

Zehra wrote:

Beaviz81 wrote:

Zehra wrote:

Indeed, that's why I wonder if there are any Atheists in Warhammer.

Without a die-hard faith in the Emperor you are doomed in that harsh universe (demons will assault you soul and so on). Either you believe in the Emperor or you die, that's the human life in this setting.

Wow, that sucks.

Yep, it's Grimdark.

Life sucks, and my brightest char is Carrus who with slight hesitation slaughters people too old to fight.

It's ironic because the Emperor was a Super Atheist.

Returning to the Forbidden Zone where Dark Eldar Spires had on record-time replaced the cruder towers the mon-kiegh constructed Dirach'Nyrr smiled without pleasure. She had been beaten back by crude mon-kiegh. One of her Shadow-Fields were depleted. A scorch-mark on her shoulder was a permanent scar she needed Hraldraich the Haemonculus Ancient to remove. She shuddered, he was never to be trusted. She passed the Incubus-Overlord Xel'Aggaddon her former lover who was wrangling in Zel-Harim a beautiful Bloodbride with raven-black long hair, an elegant gleaming white Wych-suit. She had been known for her well-famed skill with Shardnet and Impaler. Yet that had done little difference as the Incubus was one of the finest at his art. He had simply dodged her weapons and knocked her out cold. Now he was dragging her in the dark streets towards the Haemonculi-Coven Shattered Souls which Hraldraich presided over.

"So my Bloodbride finally got caught for her treacherous ways?" The question from the lithe Dark Eldar Succubus was half-way between a question and statement as she decided to walk with the tall and lanky Incubus. His armour had many runes of protection inscribed at it. That was a gift from the Farseer Taldarim for a faithful century of protection. Over his left shoulder hung the limp body of Zel-Harim, at his right was the handle of his Hellblade which he had taken from a Bloodletter he had personally strangled to death after it killed his Archon and broke his Klaive. He had two Shadowfields which he had taken from two Archons he had bested in combat after they had destroyed the Kabal he served with in close-combat. He stopped as he watched her behind his angel-white mask, his golden eyes narrowed.

"She committed treachery, and I'm gonna mete out due justice whether you like it or not princess." He spoke coldly, with a particular frost at his last word. She smiled warmly to him, touching his right shoulder with her small feminine hand, stroking it softly. "Have it been this long love since we-" He brushed off her hand. "Look Dirach'Nyrr, once I loved you, but you betrayed my love, we had 400 great years together, we raised a dozen Dark Eldars together all which to my pride is still alive and serving with the Trueborn." He looked at her with badly concealed contempt. "Yet you returned to your disgusting ways abusing the mon-kiegh, that I can't forget not forgive." He loomed over her threatening his Tormentor was aimed straight at her. "So please step aside witch as I have much pain to inflict on the future Grotesque hanging over my shoulder."

She was reluctant in seeing her former lover head into the Haemonculi-Coven. He was so young for such a lofty position, not even a full millennia old. Yet he had despite never even having the ruthless ambition of his peers been swiftly elevated to it at only 742 years old. The Incubus-Executioner his second in command of the Incubi-wing was over 3800 years old, he was known as Blackstaff the Backstabber due to the many Archons he had breached contract with and letting die. Yet he had never dared even thinking of betraying Dagoth due to Xel'Aggaddon's presence.

Dirach'Nyrr knew her presence was needed as her Wych-cult the Cult of the Bloodied Knife was in disarray, she missed his presence as he was one of few of the Dark Eldar that rarely needed to show his prowess in battle due to how formidable he was as a warrior. She sighed, closing her eyes. She remembered when she hired him. He was only 183 years old then. Never was it easier to run the Bloodied Knife than with him around. Only three coup-attempts over a 400 year-period was a record low. She had seen the strong-willed young Dark Eldar form his reputation without the glory most Incubi wanted. She had joined the alliance with Dagoth and the Kabal of Cruel Nightmares only due to the Incubus which she wanted back as her consort.

She finally entered the ship and the elegant throne-room of Dagoth. Numerous Incubi stood there including Blackstaff, with his gleaming black Glaive, and all-black Incubi warsuit. That suit was as black as the putrid soul of that Incubus. Where Xel'Aggaddon was noble and honorable, Blackstaff was opportunistic and cruel. She looked at Dagoth seated on his throne, lesser Archons and Succubi also were present, including to her surprise Hraldraich. She saw the black-robed creature with tentacles underneath. He made her skin crawl. She didn't even bother to make a curtsy to Dagoth, nor his oldest son which was little better than his dad. Both had the classic grace and beauty befitting Eldar, yet their hearts were only wicked.

"The mon-kiegh have resisted harder than anticipated." The Dread-Archon Jatulga spoke up. His voice was thing and seeped in evil, his depraved old face had merged with his Hellmask making his face into a parody. From his belt hanged the head of the Wolf Priest who had fired the plasma pistol destroying his good looks. Archon Dagoth's eyes narrowed over such a statement. "We all know the cause gentlemen and ladies." Jatulga continued, he was the leader of Kabal Murderous Wrath, and quite a mighty creature. When he spoke even Dagoth listened. He activated a hologram, showcasing Carrus and Ionza.

"Those two are nothing. Just a couple of mon-kieghs." Dagoth sneered as he went forward to the table. "Their efforts in inspiring the rest of the cattle is feeble at best, you know that Archon Jatulga of Kabal Murderous Wrath." He paced around the table standing eye to eye with the leader of the rival Kabal. Jatulga just grinned a bit. "I will give 14.000 slaves to whoever brings me the head of either mon-kiegh, and 30.000 if alive." Dagoth swallowed heavily, then he made his counter-offer. "From me I will deal the Incubus Xel'Aggaddon the Twin-Maker if both are brought to me alive." The entire courtroom gasped. Offering Xel'Aggaddon was way too much for just two mon-kiegh. Dirach'Nyrr looked cross, but she quickly recovered. "I will give fourteen nights to whoever brings me the male, and seven for the female, pleasure and survival guaranteed." She looked around knowing both male and female in the room lusted for her.

"Guaranteed resurrection for both alive." Hraldraich spoke up, his croaking voice resounded in the room. Gasps followed. Dirach'Nyrr looked shocked over at him, she remembered with horror the fourteen nights she had spent with him to ensure her own resurrection. The bidding for two mon-kiegh souls was rolling. Yet only three offers mattered. It was Dagoth promising Xel'Aggaddon, Dirach'Nyrr with the promise of 21 nights and Hraldraich offering resurrection, which he was particularly skilled at as none resurrected be him yet had mutated.

Meanwhile Xel'Aggaddon laid Zel-Harim at a torture-chair. She was awake, she saw him remove his helmet, he shook his head, glistering black hair flowed out. His marvelous and beautiful face was shown, the golden eyes shone at her through the darkness, his perfect lips smiled a smile you had to know him to know it was wicked. "We have a few things to discuss." He fastened her arms and legs to the chair. It was a special chair, only Hraldraich was allowed to use it, and Xel'Aggaddon of course due to his position as Incubi-Pontifex. The Bloodbride screamed in terror of the pain she then received as he started to use the device to torture her in the deepest dungeon on Tanibus Alpha. She was on her first step to become a Grotesque as the Incubus mercilessly took her sight.

Hahaha. Dark Eldar relationships seem complicated.

The bidding war is cool, and I hope that you make Xel'Aggaddon a long term charecter. I think he couldprove to e one of my favorites.

Well done.

Cavash wrote:

Hahaha. Dark Eldar relationships seem complicated.

The bidding war is cool, and I hope that you make Xel'Aggaddon a long term charecter. I think he couldprove to e one of my favorites.

Well done.

Xel'Aggaddon will stay long-term. I haven't given him all the fancy bling just to snuff him out.

And the bidding-war is just Dark Eldar finding worthwhile prey.

Rejoice! The Hellblade wielding scorned Incubus possessing the utmost martial prowess stays!

Surely nothing bad could happen.

Chapter XIII.

Xel'Aggaddon returned to the downed Void-Stalker. His steps were secure, he smiled glumly as he walked int the dark halls of the hallowed vessel. Slaves and other Dark Eldar swiftly let their gazes down and scurried out of the way of the dark Incubus. He cared not for them, he walked to the throne-room of Dagoth. He had only taken the offer to avoid Dirach'Nyrr. Underneath his helmet his face was locked in a grimace of pain, she had dared to enter into an alliance with the Kabal Dagoth, and worse she went seriously ahead. Only his love for the children they had fostered together kept him from snuffing out her life. The Incubi guarding the door despite being more than twice his age quickly ushered him through as they didn't want anything to do with him.

He closed his eyes. He remembered when he was appointed Incubus-Pontifex. He had just finished 100 years of service to the Eldar Farseer Taldaris. She had etched his armour in protective runes because they had sired four children together. He thought back of the love he felt for them, she had replaced Dirach'Nyrr in his heart. He had entered the hallowed halls of the Incubi-Shrine. They had almost fought a civil war when he came through the door. He remembered the argument between Blackstaff and Jerisk like it was yesterday.

"I should be the Incubus-Overlord as none have more experience than me." Blackstaff had told Jerisk, as both prepared to do battle, drawing their glaives reading themselves for battle as Jerisk barked back. "You are only a backstabber Blackstaff, barely worthy-" His words were cut short as Xel'Aggaddon entered the hallowed halls to his shrine. Both were his senior in age, but not ability. Everyone fell silent in the dark shrine dedicated to Khaine. Xel'Aggaddon had stood like a walking question-mark. He understood nothing. 212 Incubi looked at Xel'Aggaddon. He summoned his soothing voice.

"Can some please in Khaine's name explain what is going on here?" His politeness didn't break as he got up to were the two senior tutors of the Incubi-Shrine stood, both ready to attack each other. His old tutor Nariach so old that he couldn't even move without ache jumped onto the stage.

"Maybe we need some new blood as our Overlord?" he croaked. Every Incubi present had been trained by the ancient Incubus-Rector. He was so ancient that time had lost meaning, he could barely manage to support the Incubi warsuit, yet he was the finest fighter amongst them with the exception of Xel'Aggaddon which he approached.

The next move shocked Xel'Aggaddon, the old man raised his fist, them he proclaimed. "Do anyone here really think they can challenge Xel'Aggaddon first honored by Khaine, then by our strayed brothers and sisters the Eldar, then me one of the first twelve Incubi?" A roar hit them both. Both the two senior Incubi backed down as they had no desire battling him.

His eyes opened, he was standing in the throne-room of Dagoth. He scowled beneath his angelic white mask glad to know nobody could see it as he laid his glare on Dirach'Nyrr. He wanted to just draw his bloodthirsty sword and just murder her straight ahead. Yet he beat the thought away when she spoke.

"Xel'Aggaddon, you should see this." She lead him over to a nicely draped table. He glared right at Carrus and Ionza. He closed his eyes. The runes of his armour glowed, he could see battles against the male commissar, glorious battles. He smiled without effort, he loved the sensation of them both locked in a mortal battle, yet neither yielded nor was defeated. He saw himself striking at the male with all his strength, Hellblade with all his fury, it was blocked by the male, he then had to dodge the blast from the clanky gun the mon-kiegh. "Mon-kiegh?" He whispered it to himself. "Scrath that, he is not a mere mon-kiegh. He is an enemy to be honored, a commissar." That he said out loud, loud enough for the effete court to hear. He glared straight at the hologram sensing the many battles he had ahead of him with the human.

He removed his helmet, giving it to Dirach'Nyrr who looked quite nervous near her former lover. "I don't care for any bids made for either commissar, both are mine!!!" Then he slammed his fist so hard into the black void-table that it broke. He grinned wickedly as he had just staked his claim on the territory as he retrieved his helmet.

Then he halfway turned, one hand with his helmet the other pointed a finger straight at Dagoth. "If anyone ever refer to both commissars as mon-kiegh within me hearing them, so help me Khaine. I will slaughter that person be them Archon or Succubus and even Haemonculus." He left no uncertain terms that they were his to take as even Hraldraich balked under the gaze of the young Incubus-Pontifex, and quite visibly. Never mind the rest of the court.

He looked at them, all were silent, if possible the faces of everyone present, yet even the Mandrakes feared him, his cape were made of the skin of over 100 of them which he had defeated in the defense of his children. He was feared as a Mandrake-hunter due to how he had crept upon them. All of his kids carried a lock of his hair as a ward against the Mandrakes on their left little-finger, several Dark Eldar Archons of significant means also carried such artifacts around their little-fingers as that was often purchased for massive costs. It was rumored even Vect himself had that hair woven into his little-finger, but that rumor couldn't be confirmed nor denied.

Xel'Aggaddon left the throne-room, he recognized himself in the male commissar, and Dirach'Nyrr in the female, yet they were different. Unlike him and Dirach'Nyrr he smelled not just the lust but also the true love between either, he so looked forward to cross swords and words with the male, he knew he would cherish the fight with him in such a degree that when he closed his eyes he saw the fights happening. Both evenly matched, both flying backwards as their powerful blades met in epic shockwaves sending them crushing through walls, and both sneering returning to action. He even saw the commissar disabling his helmet. He grinned not caring one bit, he wanted to hunt down the young human commissar. Human sounded odd in his head, yet that commissar was not a mere mon-kiegh.

"So young commissar, what's next?" Kelkaris spoke to Carrus who looked back at him, they had just escaped the Forbidden Zone. Carrus was surprised due to the tone of the Inquisitor. Ionza entered the small marketplace she smiled with a slight grin. "Anything wrong Kelkaris?" She checked her scope, aiming it right at him. "No, I-I just-" Kelkaris was cut off by Carrus, who lowered her gun with his right hand. "No harm is done, sorry Inquisitor." He swallowed heavily, everyone present could see the war had took a toll on the young man as he was pale and lacked his usual glow. "I don't know what to do next, I'm only-" His words were cut short as Kelkaris laid his right hand at his left shoulder while he smiled gently.

"Don't apologize young Carrus." Carrus nodded. "Apologizes are for weaklings, you ain't a weakling." Carrus looked up at the fatherly expression Kelkaris had. He smiled back at the hulking man. He was about to share the emotion, yet explosions snapped all three into action. The thrice-cursed Dark Eldar were attacking yet again. Both Carrus and Ionza immediately yelled out orders to take cover as they jumped into small ditches. The Inquisitor followed immediately landing next to Ionza who shot a Dark Eldar Dracon right in the face sending his unit reeling back to be massacred by the Wyches behind them for cowardice.

Oh man, what's going to happen next?

Zehra wrote:

Oh man, what's going to happen next?

Xel'Aggaddon meet Carrus.
Carrus meet Xel'Aggaddon.

Can you feel my anticipation?
I can't wait to see what happens.
Xel'Aggaddon seems truly intimidating.

Another awesome chapter.

Cavash wrote:

Can you feel my anticipation?
I can't wait to see what happens.
Xel'Aggaddon seems truly intimidating.

Another awesome chapter.

Yeah Xel'Aggaddon is intimidating, and it shall be fun writing down the battle between him and Carrus.

And thank you.

Carrus threw a meltafrag at the squad of Wyches closing in on his command-squad from behind a ruined wall. The prometium and silver detonated maiming seven of them. The last three were quickly brought down by Ionza's longlas. The city was alive with battle, lasguns and splinter-rifles fired non-stop. The cries of the wounded was horrific.

Dread-Archon Jatulga and his squad of Incubi closed in on the squad Inquisitor Kelkaris was leading. They were sweeping through a squad of experienced and skilled humans in close combat. Xel'Aggaddon was dueling the colonel leading the squad.

The man had five degrees of swordmastery. Xel'Aggaddon smiled beneath his mask, the colonel was damn experienced, but far slower than him. Every outfall the male made was easily thwarted by the Incubus.

A scream stole his attention. From the corner of his eye he saw Carrus entering the fray. He split an Incubus brains to ball, while the next was turned into sludge as Carrus shot him with his melta. A third lashed towards Carrus with his klaive, but he just sidestepped and then Ionza impaled the Incubus.

Jatulga then struck at Carrus who dodged the blows. He continued his rapid attack, eventually his agonizer and huskblade got entangled low holding off the Bringer of Insanity. Carrus countered. He brought up his meltagun, he struck it right at the head of the Archon. With a revolting crack the face cracked open as the meltagun's muzzle sheered through the skin, bones and brainmatter. He then with the Archon proceeded to turn 90 degrees firing the melta. One more Incubus was dead.

Xel'Aggaddon slashed the colonel in half. Then he leapt at Carrus, who stood with his side towards the Incubus who struck at him with a force and speed that seemed impossible. Yet by some miracle Carrus parried the blow, despite defending his left side with his sword carried in his right hand. The flaming blade of Xel'Aggaddon came dangerously close to the face of Carrus who swiftly turned to a better defensive posture as Xel'Aggaddon struck a low blow at Carrus who again parried as he knelt down. He was even forced back a few feet as he slid in the rubble due to the force behind the blow.

Now he counter-attacked. His melta blasted two times, both were misses as Xel'Aggaddon again closed the distance. Both men struck, their swords met. A black fireball formed as the daemonic weapon of Xel'Aggaddon met the blank-powered blade of Carrus. They were slung a few meters away crashing through concrete-walls.

They recovered immediately and charged each other again. They now stood toe-to-toe exchanging blows with blinding speed. Until Carrus finally spotted a weakness in the defense of Xel'Aggaddon. He came with a surprising high swing with his sword, only the instinctive jump back saved the head of Xel'Aggaddon, but only just. The tip of the Bringer of Insanity hit the bridge of his nose. His Tormentor helmet was destroyed.

He removed it. Carrus immediately quipped. "Damn I thought you wore helmets because you are ugly." Xel'Aggaddon smiled a bit as he didn't answer just struck yet again at Carrus who again parried the blow. The he was lucky as Carrus again discharged his meltagun, and he barely managed to move out of the way.

Again they both struck as hard at each other as they could, the unnatural energies of their weapons cascaded into another black fireball sending both men flying back through walls made of concrete and glass. Xel'Aggaddon landed inside a bakery where the customers immediately fled, while Carrus landed inside a bank, pulping a robber. He got up as he casually shot the rest of the robbers while he said. "Seriously there is a war going on and you have time to enter the bank, and even more odd rob it. Emperor I will never understand human nature."

He exited the bank taking another swing at Xel'Aggaddon's Hellblade. Both men snorted and snarled as their blades met.

The fight made the rest of the fighting seem insignificant as more and warriors instead took interest in the fight between the great warriors of each race. Carrus had never been so pressed in any fight before, he used every trick in the book and all the wisdom him training since he was a small boy with the harsh tutelage of Space Marines in order to keep up. For Xel'Aggaddon, this was indeed worthy prey, he smiled. Yet he was soon to be very impressed with Carrus.

The Dracon Blatay snuck up behind Carrus intent on taking him out from behind with his husk blade. That was not to be, Carrus split the man in two, heart to hip with a backhanded swipe. The glow in the golden eyes of Xel'Aggaddon said it all. They said. "Nice job boy." Both smiled.

They started to laugh as yet again a black fireball erupted sending them reeling back. They immediately charged each other, now Xel'Aggaddon spoke. "You fight *grunt* great Commissar Carrus." It was in Low-Gothic. Carrus looked surprised, yet he rapidly quipped back. "So do you Dark Eldar. What's your name?" He spoke while his attack finally got him out of balance. Yet as Xel'Aggaddon rushed in for the kill, he instead was hit by a combo from Carrus of no less than 73 strikes in extremely rapid succession which had Xel'Aggaddon reeling back until a new fireball emerged slinging the two combatants several meters back.

Now they both looked around, the battle had stopped, everyone was watching their titanic fight. Yet they both charged each other yet again, with big frakking smiles on their faces as even Carrus who hated war above everything else had gotten the duelist in him awakened by the showdown with the Incubus.

"My name is Xel'Aggaddon, commissar." Xel'Aggaddon's Hellblade again met the Bringer of Insanity in a cascade of black sparks. The blades met again which resulted in yet another black fireball tossing the warriors back.

Now Xel'Aggaddon landed inside a bakery yet again, Carrus rapidly entered the shop looking for the Incubus. He found him, the Incubus sprang out of a cake. Carrus laughed loudly. "When I get married, you are certainly not coming out of any cakes Xel'Aggaddon." Their weapons met again. Xel'Aggaddon saw Carrus had hanged his melta on his belt. Instead he had drawn a long monofilament knife which he skillfully dual-wielded which he he noted as Carrus launched another intensive attack with both weapons against the Incubus forcing him to dodge and block the attacks who rained from the fleet-footed young commissar.

Harken and Stremm also entered the area, they saw with shock Carrus tax his abilities in single-combat to the max. He blended in 71 different stiles of swordsmanship, which all were showcased in the duel.

"Mother mercy. How long has they gone at it Commissar Ionza?" Stremm had walked over to her noticing everyone had stopped fighting, and was watching the duel. She glanced at her wrist-watch. "At least half an hour colonel Stremm." A new black fireball emerged casting Carrus right before them, he snarled as he charged Xel'Aggaddon yet again trying a new combo of about fifty strikes, before Xel'Aggaddon forced him back on the defensive with several savage blows making Carrus reel.

"And at this pace?" Stremm scratched his head, he saw Carrus jump under another blow from Xel'Aggaddon, yet when he tried to capitalize on the advantage the Dark Eldar parried his thrust, next he saw Carrus was lined up for a killing blow. He dodged it, the wall behind exploded as Xel'Aggaddon struck with his Hellblade.

Then they saw a greater threat. It was A Keeper of Secrets. Xel'Aggaddon called over to Carrus. "No offense most honorable foe, but I will rather fight the Keeper of Secrets. So truce?" Carrus breathed ragged as they stood back to back with a wall between them. Until the duel it actually was a building, but not anymore. He grinned widely. "I hate anything about Slaanesh, so truce Xel'Aggaddon."

Carrus can certainly hold his own. Though I thought Eldar are naturally faster and more graceful than Humans? And I thought they couldn't master the Eldar language? (At least that's what the Farseers seem to claim...)

Zehra wrote:

Carrus can certainly hold his own. Though I thought Eldar are naturally faster and more graceful than Humans? And I thought they couldn't master the Eldar language? (At least that's what the Farseers seem to claim...)

Most Eldar are, yet I sort of added Carrus as an exception. I have actually earlier on described him moving with a speed akin to them. Also you have the harsh training he has gone through since he was a small boy, he is born and bred for single-combat. Also he has a mighty sword helping him.

As for him speaking their language, well he likes to insult people he fights, and maybe it was taught back at Freudakia were him and Ionza sort of could chose whichever class they wanted (they was allowed to even be a couple there), or for what I know they could have just broken into something in order to learn the language. Even so he spoke it only surprisingly good, not mastered as Xel'Aggaddon spoke to him in Low-Gothic which can point to that the slang of Carrus wasn't that good.

Yeah but the Eldar were making it out like noone but another Eldar could speak their language at all.

Zehra wrote:

Yeah but the Eldar were making it out like noone but another Eldar could speak their language at all.

Have changed it. I just didn't do the research.

This is cool.
You really get a sense of honur from the Incubus, and combined with the little bits of humour (especially about the cake) truly makes it memorable.

Oh, and, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr... Daemon!

I tried to keep it a tad lighthearted as only Grimdark is boring.

The cake...is a lie!!!
Had to be said. XD