The Adventures of I-XV7-DM

My forays as an author into comedy have always proven as one of two things: a failure, or something I forget about briefly, then pick up a month or two later and nearly wet myself laughing at. This, hopefully, will be one of the latter.

The Adventures of I-XV7-DM no. 1 - When in doubt, roll a D6

Part One
"Sweeping advance, come on, sweeping advance!" Supreme Overlord Asrubael Vect yelled.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THEY NEED TO TEST FOR ONE, MY ARCHON? his computer replied. InfotecXV7DaisMode could sometimes be useful, but on most occasions (like this one, he'd been making acetine comments all through the battle) he made Vect want to 'miss' with a haywire blaster and permanently cripple the thing.
"Well, we stomped the Orks, didn't we?" the tyrant asked. "We killed four, and they killed- uh, how many?"
SIX. YOUR INCUBI WERE TRYING TO TEACH YOU WHAT BINARY CODE WAS.
"Aw, hell."
STILL, THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT TIME.
"WAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" the nob (Vect could never stop laughing at what the Orks called their nobility) screamed, swinging a power klaw around wildly.
"Umm, Infotec?" the Supreme Overlord said. "I think it's time we went-"
BACK TO THE DAIS?
"Yes, and how many times have I told you that's my line. Wait, what's this?" Vect knelt down and picked up a squirming green thing. "Ow, it bites! Infotec, what is this!?"
IT, UH, IT APPEARS TO BE A SNOTLING, MY ARCHON, the computer replied.
"How good of a slave will it make?"
PRETTY PATHETIC, ACTUALLY. THEY ARE GOOD IF YOU HAVE FIVE OF THEM, THOUGH - THEY MAKE A GOOD STEW.
"Okay, we'll take it with us," Vect grumbled. "Maybe we'll find four more on the way." He walked (read: ran like hell) off with the squealing snotling tucked under his arm, failing to pick up on the fact that his computer had spoken like snotling stew was a personal experience.

Part Two
Now, a bit of a background story on Vect's rule of the Dark City. The Supreme Overlord is actually supremely incompetent, kept in an important position by his computer because Infotec knows that if Vect goes, he loses all his add-ons - including a voice. And, as you may have already gathered, InfotecXV7DaisMode most definitely loves his own voice.
Keeping a galaxy-class idiot like Vect in control of the city is a rather daunting prospect for a computer who has to travel around in a USB plugged into either his master's armour or the Dais of Destruction, so Infotec has to resort to all sorts of plots and schemes to make sure he doesn't end up as the property of the surprisingly-anime villainess-like Aurelia Malys, or worse, returned to the dealer.
This is a tale of one of those schemes.

To be continued...

Well, I studied computers. I work with them. I use them on a daily basis. I NEED you to write more

It makes me laugh, anyway, despite your disclaimer :p

This was entertaining. I prefer to hit computers than utilise them. I struggle with technology.

Anyway, this was enjoyable. The first act made me think of Windows Vista, somehow. A most annoying invention.

Quote :

The Supreme Overlord is actually supremely incompetent, kept in an important position by his computer

This, this just reminded my of Apple.

Contgratulations, you've brightened my day.

The next installment in the story. Vect is useless at everything...

Part Three
"Uhh, Lord Vect?" the Dracon began nervously. "The Snotling's escaped."
"How?!" the Supreme Overlord roared. "I had one of my finest ur-ghuls guarding him! How could such a puny creature - eh, what did that snotling do to escape, anyway?"
"It ate the ur-ghul."
Vect simply stared. Infotec feared for a moment that the Archon had had another mental breakdown from trying to think too much, but this fear was soon alleviated when he spoke again.
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Show me proof that the snotling ate my Ur-Ghul and that the lazy bum didn't simply fall asleep on the job. Again."
The Dracon closed his eyes fearfully, and held out something red and vaguely flayed-head shaped. Vect turned around on his throne and started retching.
MY ARCHON, Infotec began, MAYBE IT WOULD BE MORE BENEFICIAL IF INSTEAD OF DISCUSSING HOW THE SNOTLING ESCAPED WE TRIED TO FIND THE SNOTLING.
"It was last spotted in Lower Commorragh, bragging about how it escaped from Asdrubael Vect," the Dracon added helpfully. "The thing has probably been stomped by someone by now, but if anyone repeats the rumours we will all be ruined."
THAT'S BAD.
"Obviously," Vect snapped in an attempt to regain his dignity after barfing in front of his entire court. "The court, please leave us. Infotec, stay here."
All those present, save Vect and his computer (who was plugged into the throne), left the room. The doors slammed behind them in a cliched image.
"Suggestions, Infotec?" Vect said helplessly.
I BELIEVE THAT NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO IMPLEMENT 'PROPAGANDA +.
"What's that?"
OH, YES, I WIPED YOUR MEMORY TOO. WELL, REMEMBER HOW YOU DUMPED LADY MALYS?
"I'm not likely to forget."
WELL, YOU DIDN'T DUMP HER. SHE DUMPED YOU BECAUSE, AND I QUOTE, 'I'VE HAD M0N'KEIGH WHO WERE BETTER THAN VECT.
On a side note, Infotec did a scarily good impression of Lady Malys.
"Huh?" Vect said. 'A Mon'Keigh better than me at wh- THAT B-"
NEVERTHELESS, Infotec interrupted. PROPAGANDA + WAS IMPLEMENTED THEN. THE MEMORIES OF ALL INVOLVED WITH THAT... INCIDENT... WERE WIPED AND REPLACED WITH A MEMORY THAT YOU DUMPED HER. THIS BIT OF PROPAGANDA WAS THEN SPREAD ALL OVER THE CITY, THUS LOWERING MALYS' REPUTATION AND INCREASING YOURS. I EVEN HAD MY OWN MEMORY WIPED, ALTHOUGH IT DIDN'T WORK.
"So you think we should take the same action here? What memory should we use as a replacement?"
I RECOMMEND THAT IN THIS CASE WE SAY THAT WE RELEASED THE SNOTLING AS AN EXPERIMENT TO SEE HOW LONG IT COULD SURVIVE IN THE DARK CITY.
"Will we have to wipe the snotling's mind too?"
IF HE'S NOT DEAD, OF COURSE.
"And if he is?" Vect added.
THEN WE WIPE THE UR-GHUL'S MIND AS WELL.

The bit that made me laugh the most is the bit about which I could not possibly comment

Did Infotec wipe my memory of Part 2?

It is a conspiracy!

I have no memory of Part Two. I suspect it was wiped or, in fact, Mandrakes took it.

In which case, what did I get for it and was it worth it? Because I can't remember ...

Hahahahahahahahaha!

This is brilliant.
I can't wait for more.

Yes, he did.

Part Four
The snotling struggled, trying to stop himself falling into the dark pit that presented itself. He felt a rough push on his back, and tumbled in, squealing uncontrollably.
Archon Gonzales swallowed and licked his lips.
"Tell me what the thing told you," the archon commanded the warrior who had brought him the tasty (and rather nutritious, mmm, mushrooms) little snack.
"He said that he had escaped from the court of Asdrubael Vect, and that he had eaten an ur-ghul to do so," the warrior replied, kneeling at his master's feet.
"Mm, I thought I had tasted a hint of ur-ghul," Gonzales replied. "Do you have any more?"
The warrior blinked. "But... it escaped from Vect! This could make the tyrant very vulnerable if the public learnt of it!"
Gonzales mouthed an 'o' as the possible repurcussions hit him.
"I'll start working on the announcement posters!" the warrior offered as he ran out of the archon's throne room. Gonzales smiled menacingly, then burst into classical evil villain maniacal cackling.
The laughter stopped when Asdrubael Vect burst through a window and crash-tackled him.
"Got him, Infotec!" the Supreme Overlord yelled to the USB in his pocket.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?! I'M NOT PLUGGED IN!
Gonzales kicked Vect in the stomach and sent him skidding backwards. The archon of the Half-Hearted Scheme grabbed a splinter cannon and started pouring rounds at his nemesis.
Vect stood up and bent backwards in a ridiculous Matrix move, somehow dodging every. Single. Splinter. Yeah, that's initiative 8 for you. The awesomeness of this was sploiled when Vect bent back a little too far, fell down, and landed with a loud thump on his backside. Gonzales threw away the out-of-ammo splinter cannon and reached for the nearest weapon - a plasma grenade, which he chucked at Vect.
"What now?!" the Supreme Overlord cried in fear to the USB.
PULL THE PIN AND THROW IT BACK!!!
"Oh. Right." Vect pulled the pin and threw it back.
Gonzales simply stared at the projectile, his face twisting into a scream of rage.
"WHAT THE -"

And there was an explosion.

Vect looked away from the mangled limbs and scraps of bone that was once an enemy archon.
"This isn't over yet, is it Infotec?" he asked
UNFORTUNATELY NOT. GONZALES WOULD HAVE PUT OUT POSTERS DETAILING THE SNOTLING'S ESCAPE.
"Then I must tear them down!" Vect cried out, and leapt out of the room through a window.
Smashing his second glass panel of the day.

Hahaha. I'm loving this.

USB's being used in Commorragh is hilarious, and Vect reminds me of an incompetant rendition of Batman.
Keep up the awesome work!

Everyone is more competent than the Archons - the commoners, the computer ... the snotling ... We may never know how close this is to the truth!*



*except for Lady Malys obviously.

Parts five and six everyone, the grand finales!

Part Five
Rip, rip, rip.
It was now a constant sound in Commorragh, the entire Black Heart Kabal having been mobilised to tear down Gonzales' posters. Only when the posters were down could Propaganda + be implemented.
"Oy!" Vect cried to one of the Half-Hearted Scheme's Kabalite Warriors scrawling an anti-Vect message on a wall. "What does that say?!"
The Warrior turned to run, but Vect grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and threw him back against the wall.
"What does it say?" the Supreme Overlord repeated.
"It - it says 'can't hold a snotling, can't hold Commorragh'!" the Warrior stammered.
Vect looked at the message, looked at the Warrior, then back at the message.
"No it doesn't," he said finally. "You wrote 'varus helia snotling, varus helia Commorragh. I can't even recognise that, it's so mangled. Tell me, what does 'varus' mean?"
"It means ' can't'!" the Warrior said.
"Actually, 'can’t' is based on the word 'var' which means 'can'. 'Us' means 'not', but what do you do to a word when you contract it?" Vect reprimanded.
"Y-you lose the first letter?"
"Good! Which makes your sentence…"
"Vars helia snotling, vars helia Commorragh?"
"Wrong."
UH, MASTER ASDRUBAEL? Infotec interrupted. WHAT ARE YOU…
"Shush, the education of Commorragh is in a shocking state. I'm doing what I can to help.
MASTER ASDRUBAEL, SHOULDN'T WE BE TAKING DOWN THE POSTERS?!
"This isn’t a poster. Now, as I was saying, you have the 'helia' right, but the second 'helia' is wrong. 'helia' is a combination of 'hold a', but you meant to say 'hold' which is…"
"Uh, hela?"
"Good!"
Wow, the Warrior thought, This guy isn't so bad after all!
"And when you say 'can't hold' in a repetitive manner, you need to…"
"Contract the two words into one?"
"Right again. See, you know what to do if you think!"
MASTER! Infotec roared. YOU DO REALISE THAT HE WAS WRITING AN ANTI-VECT SLOGAN ON THE WALL?! HE'S ONE OF GONZALES' WARRIORS!
"Actually, I'm thinking of changing sides," the Warrior replied to Infotec. "Lord Vect seems like a pretty cool guy!"
Infotec shook his USB port in disbelief. Vect's incompetence to see a scheme against him had actually gotten him a new follower.
"Awesome!" Vect cried. "Welcome to the Black Heart Kabal!"
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED… Infotec asked. He was ignored.
Vect's communicator buzzed. "Hello?" he answered. A couple of seconds, and he smiled.
"Good news - all the posters are down. Implement Propaganda +!"

Part Six - Three Weeks Later
"Whew, glad to be out of that one," Vect smiled, walking through the streets of High Commorragh. "No-one remembers what actually happened."
"I do," a voice rumbled, and Ursakar E. Creed drove a Baneblade into view from behind a lamppost.
"CREED? HOW ARE YOU HERE? Infotec asked.
"I'm a meme, we are everywhere."
Vect smiled. "Look up," he said. Creed did, and did a double take as he saw five Ravagers.
"How the…" the Imperial general asked.
"Tactical genius hurr," Vect answered. Creed smiled, and from the folds in the sails of the Ravagers emerged another Baneblade. So now there were six Baneblades.
"Your call, Vect."
"Okay," Vect said, and pointed up. Creed looked up again, just in time to see a Salamanders strike cruiser plummet down and crash into the six super-heavies and Creed.
Infotec was absolutely speechless. Vect smiled, and steepled his fingers.
"Just as planned," he cackled.
Infotec tried to clear his mind of what could only be a drugged-up haze. Asdrubael Vect. Just out-tactical genius'ed Ursakar E. Creed, the guy who once outflanked a Reaver Titan into the Cult of Strife's arena.
I DON'T SEE THE POINT OF THIS SCENE... Infotec said helplessly.
Just goes to show, you should never judge people too much.


Hey, more to come. Infotec has many more adventures, and I am going to milk this series for all it is worth.The only things I'll tell you about the next one, is that it is called 'Cliched' and features guest appearances from Marneus Calgar and Lady Malys.
Anyone who likes those two character's backgrounds is going to hate me.

PREPARE THE HATE- I mean awesome, I'll look forward to seeing what you do

I am enjoying your work, and through mocking an Ultramarine and the so called 'Lady', you have made a friend in me.

I look forward to hearing more of the adventures of Infotec.

I heard that Dernia!

Hahaha. Don't worry about it. Stop the screaming, it shall all be over soon...

The next in the series! I present: Cliched!

Because Vect's computer is a massive troll.

Part One
Vect struggled futilely against the ropes tying him to the chair. Oh, yes, I began with the 'trapped on an enemy spaceship, tied to a chair' cliché. Although that was just coincidence.
"You can't escape, Vect," Lady Malys mocked. She had caught him in the ship's control room as he was trying to sabotage the ship. "I have got you at last."
She slapped him. "Who are you working with?!" the female archon roared, beginning the interrogation.
DON'T MENTION ME! InfotecXV7DaisMode hissed in his master's ear from the speech receptors on the USB - futilely, as Vect had already blabbed on the computer's involvement. IDIOT.
"Well, give him here so I can plug him in!" Malys laughed, a command despite her tone.
UH-OH. THIS CAN'T END WELL, Infotec thought. She plucked his USB off of Vect's shoulder and plugged him into her control panel.
DO YOU WANT TO SCAN AND FIX INFOTECXV7DAISMODE? The control panel bleeped.
"Oh, go ahead," Malys smiled. A couple of seconds passed, then the computer bleeped again, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH INFOTECXV7DAISMODE: PLAY USING XENOS MEDIA PLAYER, WATCH USING XENOS MEDIA PLAYER, OPEN FOLDER TO VIEW FILES, OR VIEW PHOTOS?
"Open folder to view files," Malys commanded.
OH, FINALLY, Infotec said.
"What are you going to do with him?" Vect asked nervously.
"Infotec seems to be a very smart little computer," Malys cooed. "I'd like to offer him an opportunity to work for me."
PLEASE DON'T KILL - WAIT, WHAT?
"Well, Infotec?"
EHHRUM… CAN I GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT LATER?
"If you don't I'll return you to the dealer."
OH KHAINE, I ACCEPT! ANYTHING BUT RETURNED TO THE DEALER! ANYTHING BUT RETURNED TO THE DEALER! JUST AS A QUESTION, THOUGH, WHAT HAPPENS TO MASTER - FORMER MASTER ASDRUBAEL?
"He gets annoyed to death."
"By who?!" Vect cried.
"Who do you think?" Malys snapped. "I have to control five hundred bored female Kabalite Trueborn and I am really sick of doing their hair."
At that moment, Malys conveniently had her back to the window. As such, she failed to see, floating up to the window, Vect's Dais of Destruction with its guns facing her.
NEW MISTRESS AURELIA? Infotec, seeing the Dais, asked. CAN YOU HAND ME BACK TO FORMER MASTER ASDRUBAEL FOR A SECOND?
"Okay," Malys said, and unplugged Infotec to give him back to Vect. No sooner had she done this than the Dais opened fire.
They never really understood what happened, and still don't. Somehow, the webway portal Malys had installed in that room flared-
-and dropped the two archons and one computer into realspace.
On a Space Marine Chapter Planet.
In front of a Tactical Squad.
Who had raised their bolters.
"Oh, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo......" Malys moaned.

Part Two
The Tactical Marines opened fire. Infotec squealed and burrowed deeper into Vect's armour. Lady Malys was hit with five bolts, despite taking evasive action. Vect ran away and climbed up the nearest tree, disappearing into the nearby forest.
Malys hit the ground and played dead. The Tactical squad, seeing Malys lying on the ground, walked away.
She opened an eye and spat out blood.
"How am I still alive?" she wondered. Vect and Infotec emerged from hiding.
"Okay, Infotec, what planet are we on?" the Supreme Overlord asked.
UMMM… I DON'T KNOW, Infotec admitted. WHAT I DO KNOW, HOWEVER, IS THAT THIS PLANET HAS A PSYCHIC FIELD WHICH IS REFERRED TO AS 'CLICHÉ FIELD'. THIS MEANS THAT IF IT'S A CLICHÉ, IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN HERE.
"What does that mean for us?" Malys asked.
WELL, YOU AND VECT WILL FALL IN LOVE.
Both archons suddenly choked on their saliva and sprayed it out from their mouths. Love was a completely alien emotion to the Dark Eldar, and besides Lady Malys had hated Vect ever since he dumped her (wink wink nudge nudge for those of you who read the first in this series)
"Please tell me that's the worst of it," Malys pleaded, feeling sick.
EH, NO. YOU WILL THEN GET A FATAL DISEASE AND VECT WILL TRAVEL THE LANDS IN SEARCH OF A CURE. FORTUNATELY, WE WILL BE UNAFFECTED BY THE CLICHÉ FIELD SO LONG AS WE STAY HERE FOR LESS THAN TWELVE HOURS. SO IF WE ARE OUT OF HERE BY NIGHTFALL THEN WE ARE FINE.
"Will we be out of here by nightfall?" Vect asked, realising there is always a catch in one of his rare moments of intelligence.
WELL, NO.

This is so funny!!!

We will have to start feeding you treats Painbiro, to keep these coming on a regular basis, ........ or liberally applying a No. 5 Aggie

This series is brilliant, makes my day much better every time. Great to finally see some humour applied to Commorragh. There is absolutely no reason why different genres shouldn't be employed to the True Kin.

Thank you very much for sharing.

GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!

As I'd say to anyone starting work in our office. Nice to find this to make me laugh after a long day at work

I'm actually a little unsure as to whether the next part is suitable to post on here, because Vect makes a rather sexist comment towards Malys.

You see my problem. Mod, is that alright?

Relax, as long as you don't come across as supporting the idea, then you should be fine.

Part Three
"I'm hungry," Vect complained. "Malys, make me a sandwich."
"Here we go with this again," the other archon moaned. "First it's 'make me a sandwich', then I have to do his washing and before you know it I'll have replaced all of the household staff."
THEY'RE ALREADY ACTING LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE, Infotec worried. I DREAD TO THINK OF WHAT THEY WILL DO NEXT.
When dinner was finished in twenty minutes was when the cliché really bit. Infotec suddenly found his optical receptors covered by a brown paper bag.
REMOVE THIS OBJECT FROM MY OPTICAL RECEPTORS IMMEDIATELY! Infotec commanded. VISION OF THE SURROUNDING WORLD IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH THIS OBJECT INTRUDING UPON MY FIELD OF VISION!
There were, let's say, some suspicious noises from the direction of Vect and Malys.
ACTUALLY, IT MIGHT BE BENEFICIAL TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THE INTEGRITY OF MY HARD DRIVE SYSTEM. AND BLOCK MY AUDIO RECEPTORS TOO, DAMMIT!
More suspicious noises.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A LOOONG NIGHT.

Part Four
MORNING, ARCHONS, Infotec sneered. HOW DID YOU SLEEP?
"What's that supposed to mean?" Malys growled.
IT MEANS THAT NEXT TIME BLOCK MY AUDIO RECEPTORS.
"All we did was add our numbers to our contact lists…"
REALLY? YOU SHOUTED OUT 'IT'S TOO LONG, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT IN TWO GOES'.
Malys laughed. "Silly Infotec, Vect's number is thirty digits. I can't believe you are so suspicious."
I FEEL REALY FOOLISH NOW, Infotec said.
"Any idea how we can get off this planet?" Vect asked.
WELL, MAYBE WE COULD SEE IF WE CAN FIND THE INHABITANTS OF THIS PLANET AND HIJACK ONE OF THEIR THUNDERHAWKS OR STORMCHICKENS.
"Sounds like a plan," Malys said. "Which way?"
Immediately, Infotec replied, LEFT.
"Why left?"
BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS GONE RIGHT AND IT NEVER ENDS WELL.
There's a story behind that, but I'll tell you another time. What is important is that Vect, Malys and Infotec headed left, hopefully towards civilisation.
"Ooh, hold on," Vect said. "I'm still hungry."
He proceeded to shoot three deer, then ate all of them and drank half a gallon of water.
"Okay, ready to go now," he smiled.
"Doesn't he need to go to the toilet?" Malys asked.
OF COURSE NOT, Infotec said. THE HERO NEVER NEEDS TO GO TO THE TOILET. IT'S JUST ANOTHER CLICHÉ.
"Do I ever benefit from these clichés?" the Poisoned Tongue archon grumbled.
PROBABLY. ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT BE A CLICHÉ THAT THE EVIL VILLAINESS ALWAYS IS FOILED BY TINY LITTLE THINGS.
"Like last night's fish? 'Cause I think I'm going to throw up."
"Another delay?" Vect whined, but Malys had already run off behind a tree. Oddly, the only noise was the distant flushing of a toilet.
She didn't emerge for ten minutes, which prompted Vect to finally go and check up on her.
"I - don't think - I'm going to make it -" she wheezed as soon as he arrived, then slumped over and passed out.
UH-OH. SHE'S GOT THE FATAL DISEASE! Infotec clarified.
Dramatic music played in the background as Vect raised his head to the sky. "Then I… will save her." he said, without an exclamation and in a completely awesome tone of voice. He flung his cape over one shoulder and strode off, quickly fading from sight.
WHY DOES THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN? Infotec wondered, having been plugged in to a conveniently nearby USB port and left there to guard Malys.
AND WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A USB PORT *JUST* WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

Part Five
Vect hadn't gotten very far before he climbed up a small cliff and came face to face with a growling grizzly bear. Faced with imminent death, he did the only logical thing.
Jumped up and assumed a fighting stance.
DAH.
DAH DAH DAH.
DAH DAH DAH.
DAH DAH DAAAAAAAAAH.
Thunder rumbled at the same time as lightning flashed across the sky.
DAH.
DAH DAH DAH.
DAH DAH DAH.
DAH DAH DAAAAAAAAAH.
Vect tackled the bear, who staggered back and threw him off.
Risin' up, back on the street...
The bear roared and charged, meeting Vect in a head clash.
Did my time, took my chances...
Both combatants stepped back to clear their heads, the fact they were standing on a narrow cliff face completely forgotten now.
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet...
The bear ripped at Vect's shirt, tearing it off.
Just a man and his will to survive…
The bear's talons impaled Vect's right shoulder. He roared in pain and used his right arm to throw the bear away.
It's the, eye of the tiger it's the thrill of the fight…
The two clashed again as the song swelled.
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival.
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watching us all with the eeeeeeeeeeeye…
Vect heaved, and threw the bear off the cliff, the ursine beast screaming all the way down.
...of the tiger.
The Supreme Overlord wandered for a bit, unable to find any hint of civilisation, until night fell and he collapsed, exhausted-
-only to see a Space Marine outpost. Fortunately, there was only one guard - and he was facing away from Vect.
The Supreme Overlord crept up behind the unsuspecting Marine and hit him in the back of the neck, knocking the Marine out. Vect dragged the prone form behind a tree and stole the Marine's shirt to replace the one he'd lost in the fight with the bear.
It was a perfect fit, despite the Marine being a good foot taller than Vect.
"Alright," he smiled. "Now we're in business."

Part Six
Lady Malys had fallen into a restless sleep, tossing and turning and moaning while Infotec stood guard.
But, as all good guy guards must do, he slowly but surely began to get tired and fall asleep. And a nasty villain was creeping up on him…
"What is this?" Marneus Calgar said in a deep booming voice, somehow failing to wake up the other characters. "Two evil creatures, in the Forbidden Forest? They must be purged for the Emperor!"
He crept up stealthily, but this was spoiled when one of his power fists smashed a tree. Malys woke up, just in time to see Calgar swinging a fist at her.
She screamed, as all female characters must do in this situation. Just before it hit her, Infotec's USB flew into Calgar's armour and started taking control of it. What followed was an indescribably hilarious fight scene where Calgar struggled with his armour while Malys stood with her hand in her mouth, wincing whenever Infotec was hit.
Eventually, Marneus wrenched the USB out of him and ran off, making threats about 'finding you again, and next time show no mercy!'.
THAT WAS UNPLEASANT, Infotec stated.
"Do you need medical attention?" Malys asked.
NO, I DO NOT. TO PRESERVE MY HEROIC IMAGE, I MUST REFUSE ALL MEDICAL ATTENTION AFTER A BIG BATTLE.
"Another cliché?"
YOU BET.
Malys wet a cloth and started wiping Infotec's wounds. He winced whenever she touched an abrasion, yet again victim to another cliché.
I SHALL FOLLOW HIM, Infotec stated. HE MAY BE KEY TO ENDING THIS… FARCICLE 'OPEN SEASON ON COMMORRAGH' STORY.
"How? You can't exactly run after him, you're a USB."
I'LL THINK OF A WAY.
Infotec spied a Servitor body that had somehow only been noticed just then. AND THERE'S THE WAY.

This is just awesome!!!

Quote :

I'm actually a little unsure as to whether the next part is suitable to post on here, because Vect makes a rather sexist comment towards Malys.

Well, I'm not a Mod (or Malys! *gasp!*) in real life, but I am female. And I can tell you happily that while I appreciate that you thought about it, I'm honestly not offended because it made perfect sense in the story

In a land ruled by clichés Vect is clearly going to be found sitting with his feet up demanding a beer and a sandwich. Just like in Commor- I mean, it's not even his fault the poor thing. He'd never do that! He was totally overruled by a vicious plot device!

Now see if I was Lady Malys I'd have to say something along the lines of, "You amuse me, Human, While you entertain me, you may live."