The Adventures of I-XV7-DM

Note that in this point in the story I'm barely containing my massive trollface. And it's not the plot device, Vect said that because he's an absolute idiot.
Surprised? Infotec's not.

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PROBLEM, VECT?

Sorry, couldn't resist. I love texzt art.

I know that really I was ... making a joke about having sympathy for Vect, is all

The tale continues, answering the question of how you deal with a charging Land Raider Crusader.

Part Seven
Vect was really, really screwed.
Oh, the attack on the outpost was successful. It's just that… he had triggered a bomb that was kept there.
And he couldn't disarm it with 10 seconds on the clock.
"Ah, to hell with it!" he cried, and ran away.
As he bolted out of the outpost, the bomb exploded. In slow motion, Vect was lifted up into the air and flew towards the camera.
He landed with a loud thud face-first in the dirt.
"Ow," he said. "Great, now I have no idea where civilisation is - oh, wait."
A massive Space Marine city dominated Vect's field of vision. Factories pumped out Rhinos, Razorbacks, Predators and other vehicles. What Chapter they were was obvious - if the blue and gold armour didn't give it away, someone had graffitied a very detailed picture of a Smurf with two power fists and the name Marneus Calgar written underneath.
"Ultrasmurfs…"

Part Eight (warning: attack of the caps lock)
Infotec had also found the city, but was in a much bigger mess than Vect.
"STOP THAT!" he cried with the Servitor's voice as a Techmarine tore the Servitor's legs off with his servo-arm and threw them away. "I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU!"
The Techmarine kept pounding the busted Servitor body.
"RIGHT!" Infotec yelled, and possessed the Techmarine's bionics.
"Aooo-ooaaAAAAAAH, THAT'S BETTER," Infotec said, strangling the Techmarine with his own bionic throat and moving around using just the mechanics.
Suddenly, alarms began to blare and a Land Raider Crusader stirred.
INTRUDER ALERT! It said.
"UH-OH!" Infotec said, looking around desperately. He spied a complete Land Raider Godhammer without a machine spirit, and transferred his consciousness into it. The Techmarine's corpse collapsed, no longer being powered by a supercomputer.
The Space Marine Land Raider moved over to Infotec.
Vect's computer, now in full control of the Land Raider, tried to use the various parts to smile.
HEY, BABE, he said.
EXCUSE ME? The other replied.
TELL ME, DO I LOOK FAT IN THESE TREADS? Infotec asked. The Crusader looked at him oddly (amazing how much expression a tank can show, hmm?).
ONCE AGAIN, EXCUSE ME?
Infotec smiled flirtatiously. I ASK BECAUSE YOU MOST CERTAINLY DON'T.
OH… WELL, I TRY TO KEEP FIT…
NICE. I LIFT WEIGHTS, Infotec replied. Fortunately, Vect wasn't here, because if he was the Supreme Overlord would have been laughing so hard the Crusader would have known something was wrong.
OOH, NICE. CRUSADERSPIRITXV12CHAPTERMODE, AT YOUR SERVICE. AND YOU ARE…?
INFOTECXV7DAISMODE, Vect's computer replied.
CrusaderSpiritXV12ChapterMode blushed, changing colour from Mordian Blue to Necron Abyss. H-HEY, INFOTEC.
WANT TO HAVE DINNER SOMEWHERE? I KNOW A GREAT FAST OIL RESTAURANT.
OH… SURE, the Crusader replied. BUT… ISN'T THAT SORT OF, LIKE, HERESY?
OF COURSE NOT, Infotec answered. I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE.
It was a blatant lie. But there was no reason CS-XV12-CM had to know that.

Part Nine
Malys threw up, heaving her bowels onto the ground.
"D-disgusting," she managed, barely avoiding to collapse in the puddle.
"I really need to get that cure," the archon moaned. "Vect's probably been shot in the head, though, and Infotec's… well, Infotec. I don't even WANT to know what he's doing."
She rose, and staggered off in the direction Infotec moved to head for the Space Marines and (hopefully) the cure.
Ah, you see what I did there?

Everyone's getting their ass kicked this chapter. XD

The next couple of instalments in Infotec's adventures.

Part Ten
Vect smashed into the Apothecarium, the three Apothecaries there caught completely by surprise. If the cure was anywhere to be found, it would be here. With three strikes of his sceptre he felled the Space Marines opposing him, then began searching around the various tables.
"I can't find anything useful!" he hissed.
"And that is what she said."
Vect whirled around to find Marneus Calgar facing him, bolters levelled at his face. The Ultramarines leader was still grinning from his little joke.
"Now be a good little xenos scum and put down your weapons," Calgar ordered. "I don't want to have to hurt you."
Vect paused for a moment. "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" he roared, and threw the nearest vial at Calgar. At first the throw seemed to be horribly inaccurate, but it veered in the air and hit the Ultramarine in the knee joint, immobilising him, even if only temporarily.
Calgar roared in fury and let loose, firing explosive bolts at the Supreme Overlord. All the shots missed in a stunning display of plot armour as Vect ran to get out. As he tore open the door and ran out, Calgar's last shot kissed the skin on his forehead, drawing blood.
The Ultramarine leader waited for the bolt to explode. It didn't.
"What the hell?"
"PLOT ARMOUR FTW!!" Vect cried out as he left the room. Calgar tried to drag his immobile leg, but fell over and crashed into a series of vials.
Smoke began to fill the room.
"Oh, hell," Calgar said.

Vect was far away when the lab exploded. He felt bad that he had lost Malys' cure, but even if she died he still had a photo of her.
Not that he could show it to anyone before a battle. As soon as someone shows a photo of their sweetheart before a battle they are always going to die. Even in Commorragh they watch clichéd movies as well.
He wondered how she and Infotec were holding on, as well as where the hell his Dais was. But mostly where the hell his Dais was. With Calgar almost certainly dead, there wasn't much need for it, but it would be his way out of this hellhole.
He wandered around the city, trying in vain to find a cure. Without it, Malys was doomed.

Part Eleven
SO, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW ME YOUR TRUE BODY INSTEAD OF A PILFERED LAND RAIDER? CS-XV12-CM asked.
WAIT, WHAT? Infotec replied, startled.
I BET YOU'RE SOMETHING NICE, LIKE A BANEBLADE, SHADOWSWORD OR MAYBE EVEN… the female Land Raider shuddered in pleasure, speaking dreamily. A WARLORD TITAN!
EHRR… ACTUALLY, I'M ASDRUBAEL VECT'S PERSONAL COMPUTER.
SO - YOU'RE NOT A POWERFUL MACHINE SPIRIT? Crusader asked, sounding like she was about to burst into tears.
DO YOU KNOW WHO ASDRUBAEL VECT IS, CRUSADER?
NO.
Infotec sighed. HE'S THE SUPREME OVERLORD OF COMMORRAGH, THE BIG BOSS OF THE DARK ELDAR.
Crusader perked up. SO YOU ARE IMPORTANT? She asked, sounding confused and happy at the same time, if it is possible for a Land Raider to be either.
GIRL, I POWER THE BLOODY DAIS OF DESTRUCTION!!
Crusader's eyes widened. Even she had heard of the fearful Dais of Destruction. It had killed DestructorSpirit-XV2-ChapterMode, the Predator Destructor who had insisted on hitting on her even after she had embarrassed him in front of the entire Ultramarines Grotball team. SO WAS IT YOU THAT GOT DESTRUCTORSPIRIT?
WHO?
THIS PREDATOR THAT KEPT HITTING ON ME, Crusader said flirtatiously, moving closer to Infotec's Godhammer body and extending a sponson toward him.
I BLEW UP A LOT OF TANKS. HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN ONE.
Crusader nudged up against Infotec. SO, SHALL WE GO TO THE RESTAURANT?
OH, LET'S. THEY SERVE A WONDERFUL GEAR AND PETROL STEW.
WHERE IS THIS PLACE, ANYWAY? Crusader chuckled.
VECT OWNS IT. THE RESTAURANT'S IN COMMORRAGH.
CrusaderSpiritXV12ChapterMode sighed happily as Infotec activated the webway portal in his hard drive system and warped the two tanks off to their date.

Part Twelve
Vect was alright, and Infotec was definitely alright, but what of Lady Malys?
She… wasn't alright. In fact, she was quite a bit less than alright.
Like, getting captured by Ultramarines less than alright.
Although she was putting up a good defence. No-one wanted to get her vomit on their shiny Smurf armour.
"We must take her alive!" the Sergeant scolded to a Marine who was hefting up a lascannon. That Marine shrugged and threw a knockout gas bomb that landed next to Malys and exploded.
She passed out with a high-pitched groan.
"What do we do with her, sarge?" one Marine asked.
"The boss is very interested to meet her," the Sergeant replied. "She will be very useful as a bargaining chip to get these xenos off of our planet."
With a wave of his hand, the Sergeant ordered the squad away, the Dude of the squad carrying the female Archon in his arms - the closest a Space Marine will ever get to a girl.
The Dude was forced to admit he didn't really mind.

Aha, so your laptop got fixed Excellent. If you ask me Vect is secretly enjoying playing the hero.

Vect likesd playing hero, it's a unique experience!!!

The final couple parts of Cliche'd. Hope you enjoy them

Part Thirteen
Vect's phone buzzed, startling him. He looked at the sixteen-digit number - Malys' number.
"Hello?" he answered.
"We have the girl," a deep voice rumbled. "Give us ten million credits in cash by 10am tomorrow or she dies."
"...Marneus? Didn't I drop an Apothecarium on you?"
"Bloody hell. How did you know it was me?"
"Nobody else possesses such a sense of dramatics."
"...fine. We still want the cash."
"What kind of a threat is that? She's already got a fatal disease."
"Just get us the cash, okay? We'll cure her tonight."
"To kill her tomorrow? What's the point of that?"
"Just get us the money."
The line went dead. Vect took the phone away from his ear, pondering. Not how he was going to save Malys on his own with just a length of rope and some martial arts training, but where he was going to get the rope and martial arts training.
"Goddamn clichés. If only Infotec was here - wait, what happened to Infotec?"
Vect rang his computer.
YOU HAVE REACHED INFOTECXV7DAISMODE.
"Hey, Infotec, it's Vect."
PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE.
"Don't try it Infotec, I know it's really you."
GAH. WHAT'S WRONG?
"Malys had been captured. I just wanted to know WHERE THE HELL YOU WERE."
SHUT UP! Infotec hissed. I'M ON A DATE WITH A CUTE LAND RAIDER!
"Oh, okay - wait, what?"
It was too late. Infotec had hung up. Vect cursed, and checked the inbuilt GPS on his phone for a place that sells rope and a dojo.
"Hmm, Chang's Dojo for Ridiculous Heroisms… sounds like my place," Vect mused. "Ooh, and Sicarius' Store for the Handyman. I'm in luck."
He shoved his phone in his pocket and jogged off.

Part Fourteen
Marneus Calgar checked the watch in his Terminator armour. 9:59 am. 1 minute until he got to fire a bolter round into Malys' head.
"Mmm-mmph!" Malys tried to say through the gag as she struggled around, tied to a chair. Calgar's watch beeped for 10:00 and he raised his bolter.
Vect crashes through the window, swinging on the rope. He slammed into Marneus and knocked him off his feet.
"Oh, good, that buys me a minute or two."
"BASTARD!!!" Calgar yelled. "DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO STAND BACK UP WHILE WEARING TERMINATOR ARMOUR!!"
Vect ignored him and pulled Malys' gag off.
"You shouldn't have come," she panted.
"That's what she said!" Calgar managed as he fell back down on his backside. "Emprah damn it."
"We have to go," Vect said, untying Malys from the chair.
"Look out!" she cried, as the Dude walked into the room and fired hellfire rounds from his bolter. Malys pulled Vect to the ground as the explosive bolts missed them by hairs.
Vect ducked behind cover, peeked up and shot a single round with his splinter pistol, catching the Dude in the chest and killing him.
From behind, Calgar grabbed Vect by the neck and lifted him up. The Supreme Overlord kicked Calgar in the crotch.
It was supremely ineffective.
"Die," Calgar said simply.
Vect gulped as Calgar's grip tightened...
...and was released as Malys stabbed him with the power sword belted to the Smurf's waist.
Calgar cursed loudly and ran out of the room, being harassed by both Dark Eldar as he did. As he ran out and slammed the door shut, the two Archons realised there was a bomb in the room.
"Ten seconds left on the timer," Malys noted. "Vect, snip the wire!"
"Which one?!" he cried, already with a pair of pliers in hand. "Red, black or white?!"
5…
Vect hovered nervously over the wires.
4…
3…
"Red!" he cried.
2…
His hand hovered over the red wire, shaking.
1…
Snip!
Then the bomb exploded.
Nah, just kidding.
"Huh. What do you know," Malys said lightly. "Now let's steal a Stormchicken and get the hell out of here."

Part Fifteen
"This looks like a pretty good Stormchicken to steal," Malys said, pointing to a bright red Stormraven parked next to a Land Raider Redeemer. Vect followed her pointing finger, and nodded.
"Okay. Let's get out of here," Vect hopped into the cockpit and turned it on. Malys jumped into the seat next to him and set the chair to 'recline'. She had swapped the armour for jeans and a T-Shirt advertising the famous pop singer Justine Bienbar. Her ever-present sword was still in her hands, though. For once, she looked at ease and relaxed, the cure the Ultramarines having given her working wonders. Vect himself was still trying to puzzle out why the Webway Portal had sent them to Clichéland.
"Ready to go?" she purred. He nodded and turned on the engine.
It roared furiously and the Stormraven took off, chicken wings beating furiously to keep the boxy flyer in the air.
They had been flying for nearly an hour and were about to head for the outer atmosphere when the engine spluttered.
Vect took no notice, and Malys had fallen asleep.
The engine spluttered again. Vect frowned, reached over and tapped the controls.
The engine spluttered a third time - and stalled.
"Damn you, clichéeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!" he roared as the Stormraven plummeted from the air. Malys woke up.
"What have you done, Vect you useless driver?!" she cried. The Supreme Overlord looked in the rear camera to see Marneus Calgar flying a Thunderhawk at them. So that's what happened.
Papa Smurf grinned and increased his speed to catch up. Vect turned the Stormraven around as it plummeted and fired all its weapons.
The Thunderhawk, too, began to plummet out of the sky.
"Hold on!" Vect called to Malys. "We're crashing!!!!!!!!"
Both planes landed on the very edge of a steep canyon, balancing precariously.
"GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT!!!!" Vect cried, roughly shoving the female archon and himself out of the Stormraven. Calgar tried to do the same, but a leaf landed on top of the Thunderhawk and the super-heavy plane teetered on the precipice - and fell.
"DAMN YOU CLICHÉEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" the Smurf lord called as he fell with his vehicle.
"By the bloody hand of Khaine, that was ridiculous," Malys uttered. "And I have a feeling that was less that half of the clichés out there.
"Well, I guess we're stuck here," she sighed, slumping to the ground.
"What about Infotec?" Vect suggested.
"What about him?"
"Well, last I heard he was on a date with a Land Raider. Maybe he knows a way to get us out of here."
"Your computer? Know something useful?"
"He's smarter than he looks. A lot smarter."
THANKS, MASTER ASDRUBAEL.
"Infotec!" Malys exclaimed. "What took you so long?"
WE WENT TO SEE THE MOVIE 'PLANET OF THE TECH-PRIESTS' AFTER DINNER.
"Good. Now can you get us the hell out of here?" Vect growled.
ONLY IF YOU LET ME BORROW THE DAIS FRIDAY NIGHT.
"Why?"
"Vect," Malys said. "Think about it."
"Oh."
AND I WANT A PERMANENT HUMANOID BODY.
"Whatever! Just get us out of her!"
Infotec shrugged (as well as a Land Raider is able to) and focused his mechanical powers. He accessed the webway portal on his USB and channelled it through the Land Raider to create a portal.
READY? Infotec asked. GOOD.
The archons stepped through into Commorragh, followed by the Land Raider.

Part Sixteen
"Bye, Infotec. Vect, call me or I will slaughter your children!" Malys snapped as she re-joined her own Kabal's forces. Infotec had transferred his consciousness back into the Dais before every S8 Lance weapon in Commorragh shot at his Imperial body. Now, the Dais flew back to the Supreme Overlord's palace.
"I never want to do that again," Vect groaned, slumping into his throne as his Incubi bodyguards moved to protect him from harm.
WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE. APART FROM CRUSADERSPIRITXV12CHAPTERMODE.
"You are such a heretic."


That is the end of Cliche'd. Come back soon for the next instalment in the series, or I will devour your soul and split your mind be very disappointed.

This was awesome, I can't wait to see the sequel!!!

So, which of Infotec's adventures do you want me to write next? The options are:
-The one where he gets lost in the webway
-The zombie apocalypse... in SPAAAAAACE
or
-Vect meets Doctor Who

Your choice!

-Vect meets Doctor Who

Zombie! Zombie! Zombie!

Everyone loves a zombie apocalypse.

It's a tie for me between getting lost in the Webway and meeting Doctor Who. XD

It is hard to chose one, but I would have to say Doctor Who or Zombies!

The public seems to prefer Vect meets Doctor Who, so I will not disappoint!

Part One
The slightly screechy noise cut through the silence of Shaa-dom. Soulless creatures of that cursed realm stirred, confused but alert.
A blue police box appeared and the door opened. A tall man with dark brown hair stepped out, clad in a brown overcoat and with fancy clothes. He adjusted his bow tie.
"Bow ties are cool," he said.
The Doctor looked around the desolate area. "No signs of life," he muttered, then started when he saw one of the soulless creatures. "No signs of intelligent life," the Time Lord corrected.
He set off, intent on searching the area and finding out about this new 'planet'.

Part Two
"I'm bored," Asdrubael Vect, Supreme Pimp Lord of Commorragh, complained. "Malys, make me a sandwich."
"What in Khaine's name will that do to alleviate your boredom?!" the female archon complained from the throne next to Vect. "Ever since we got back from that Ultrasmurf planet you have insisted on me wearing an apron every single date we've been on!"
"Shh," Vect whispered. "No-one can know we're dating again!"
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TELL YOU A JOKE, MASTER ASDRUBAEL? InfotecXV7DaisMode asked. HOW MANY BABIES DOES IT TAKE TO PAINT A WALL RED?
"Where are you going with this, Infotec?"
Infotec shifted uneasily. Vect had (as promised) made him a mechanical body that did not at all look like a Necron Immortal with added spikes and two wrist-mounted blast pistols. If it did, it was so heavily converted that someone looking at it could not possibly mistake it for anything other than a Dark Eldar special character - except maybe a Chaos Space Marine thing. IT'S JUST A JOKE, MASTER ASDRUBAEL.
"I've heard it before," Malys commented. "It's… disturbing."
Vect shrugged, and the communicator on the throne buzzed.
"Yeah?" he answered, and listened before replying.
"You've captured a mon'keigh?
"And he says his name is the Doctor?
"Bring him here."
If you want to hear the rest of the conversation without the movie cliché carry-over from the last story, the other speaker's lines are in italics.
"Yeah?"
"We've captured a mon'keigh."
"You've captured a mon'keigh?"
"Yes, and he says his name is the Doctor."
"And he says his name is the Doctor?"
"Yes. We will bring him to you."
"Bring him here."
Vect set the receiver down. "Who was that?" Malys asked.
"Archon Synthrac," the Supreme Overlord answered. "He's captured a mon'keigh named the Doctor and is bringing him here."
"Nice. We're having slaves delivered for free now," the archon of the Poisoned Tongue smiled, tossing her long black hair over her right shoulder and lounging in the throne.
CORRECTION - MASTER ASDRUBAEL IS HAVING SLAVES DELIVERED FOR FREE NOW. YOU BEING HERE WHEN SYNTHRAC ARRIVES WILL PRETTY MUCH SAY TO ALL COMMORRAGH THAT YOU TWO ARE BACK TOGETHER.
"Knew there'd be a catch," the Lady muttered angrily. "Alright, boys, I'm going home." she lightly kissed Vect on the cheek and strode out of the room.
"I am such a lucky bastard," Vect nodded smugly.
ONLY 'CAUSE I CAN USE PROPAGANDA + IF SHE DUMPS YOU AGAIN, Infotec reminded him. What a killjoy.
A few minutes later, Valossian Synthrac dragged the Doctor into the room. "Lord Vect," the lesser archon announced. "I present you with our latest catch. We found him in Shaa-dom."
Vect rose from the throne and menacingly strode down until he was right in front of the Time Lord.
"Hi, I'm Vect. Huge fan of yours," he gushed.
"What?" the Doctor asked.
"Especially the latest series - can you tell me, what is the Question the Silence hate so much?"
OH GOOD GOD, Infotec groaned. NOTHING WORSE THAN A BORN-AGAIN FANBOI.
"So why are you here?" Vect asked.
"Well, I'm… looking for a good holiday."
SO, NATURALLY, YOU PICKED THE WARHAMMER 40K UNIVERSE. HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
"Well, this place must be pretty laid back if you're the boss here," the Doctor said to Vect, who laughed.
"Oh no, we're all evil murderous torturers who have to inflict pain upon others in order to avoid having our souls devoured by a perverted god of Chaos."
BUT DESPITE THAT, YEAH, WE'RE PRETTY FUN PEOPLE, Infotec added, somewhat redundantly.

Heh, I wonder what will become of the poor Doctor? Which Doctor is this? 10? 11?

One, brilliant XD That was the Doctor all right!

Two ..... MALYS NO YOU FOOL!!!!!!!!

It's the eleventh doctor, hence the 'bow ties are cool' line. Trying to mention fish fingers and custard too

That was how I recognised him as being himself My favourite from the reboot.

Well I don't watch Doctor Who all that much, not at all lately, so that's why I asked.

Infotec's adventures continue, revealing that Vect is very discriminatory and a coward (but we all knew that, already).

Part Three
"You were right, Infotec," the Doctor shuddered, looking disturbed and sick. "This is a terrible place for a holiday."
"What, you didn't like Urien Rakarth's laboratory?" Vect asked, disappointed. "It's all the rage amongst the higher classes these days. Other Dark Eldar pay in thousands of souls for a couple hours watching him work."
"That's even more disturbing!"
Vect shrugged. "Fine. You should consider yourself lucky nonetheless."
'I'm going back to the TARDIS," the Doctor said, striding off.
NEED A GUIDE? Infotec asked.
Before the Doctor could reply, a mechanical cry of 'EXTERMINATE!' interrupted him. A Dalek appeared around the corner and began scanning the Doctor.
"RUN!!" the Doctor cried. "They're indestructible by most weapons!"
He turned and bolted. Vect took cover. Only Infotec stood his ground.
INDESTRUCTIBLE, YOU SAY?
Infotec shot the Dalek with his blast pistol. When the smoke cleared, all that was left was a few shards of charred metal.
TARGET PRACTISE, I SAY! He finished grandly. The Doctor stood there, looking dumbfounded.
"How did a Dalek get into Commorragh, anyway?" Vect asked.
BAD PLOT DEVICE?
"Good enough. Hey, Doctor - still want to go home?"
The Doctor shook his head. "At least I seem… relatively safe here."
YOU MEAN, SAFE APART FROM THE PINK, CLAWY AND TENTACLE-Y SLAANESHI DAEMONS?
"That doesn't make me feel ANY BETTER AT ALL, Infotec!"
DON'T WORRY. THE ODDS OF A SLAANESHI ATTACK DEPEND ON IF LADY MALYS COMES OVER TONIGHT.
"Infotec, please!" Vect snapped. "That only happened because of the party next door!"
The Doctor had an expression of horror on his face.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THERE WAS A PARTY NEXT DOOR?
"I could hear the drugged-up singing of them from my palace."
AND DRUGS BEFORE OTHER ACTIVITIES ON THE HEDONISTIC SCALE, HMM?
The Doctor was slowly backing away now.
"Drugs are (sort of) illegal. Touché!"
I'M PRETTY SURE THAT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS AS WELL.
"It wasn't domestic violence, we both agreed to it… even if the room looked like a murder scene…"
The Doctor had given up waiting for the argument to finish and had run away.
HEY, WHERE DID THE DOCTOR GO? Infotec asked, finally noticing.
"Maybe he went back to Urien to apologise for throwing up on his brand-new Tauhide robes?" Vect suggested. "Our Haemonculus friend looked mightily pissed about that."
IF ONLY, VECT… I THINK OUR GUEST IS A LITTLE BIT MORE SCARED OF URIEN RAKARTH THAN HE IS OF THAT CORNY ANGRON DAEMON PRIMARCH.
"Isn't it Angron, Daemon Primarch of Khorne?"
PEH, IT'S SLAANESH EVERYONE'S RAVING ABOUT HERE.
The conversation was threatening to go off on a tangent about which Chaos god had the coolest followers and chaotic gifts (Vect insisted it was Tzeentch for the incredible sorceries, Infotec countered with Slaanesh and UNLIMITED TENTACLE ASSAULT), when they heard the Doctor cry out for help.
"The hell does he want now?" Vect grumbled.
EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
"Oh, for the love of Khaine…"
SUPPOSE I'D BETTER SAVE HIM.
"You? I'm the boss here, all credit goes to me!"
FINE. PICK UP A BLASTER FROM SOMEWHERE AND START SHOOTING.
Vect virtually wet himself at the thought. "No, I'll… let you take the kills this time, Infotec."
The pair ran towards the mechanical sound of the Daleks. They rounded onto the Street of Knives, Infotec blasting away with his pistol like a boss and Vect trying to look useful as he did a grand total of nothing. The Daleks scattered and hovered away.
"They've appeared twice," the Doctor wondered. "What are they doing here?"
"As I said, bad plot device?"
"No, no, there's something else… there must be something here that the Daleks want."
WE HAVE A LOT OF RARE ARTIFACTS IN COMMORRAGH.
"I need specifics," the Doctor said.
WELL, THERE'S A COUPLE IN THE PRIVATE COLLECTIONS OF MOST HAEMONCULI, LADY MALYS HAS AT LEAST ONE STC AND THE HAND OF A SAINT, AND I KNOW THAT VECT HAS ONE OF THE PRIM-
"Shh, Infotec!" Vect hissed. "Remember, no-one can know!"
RIGHT. SORRY, MASTER ASDRUBAEL. HE HAS A VERY RARE ARTIFACT. VERY GOOD COMPANY, TOO. I'VE OFTEN SUGGESTED WE LOAN HIM OUT TO THE HIGHEST BIDDING WYCH CULT, BUT NO. THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE.
"Shut up, you stupid computer!" the Supreme Overlord roared.
THIS IS REVENGE FOR THAT TIME WHEN YOU RATTED ME OUT TO MALYS.
"This is too confusing," the Doctor moaned. "I'm not used to being the dumbest one here."
YOU'RE NOT - VECT'S THE DUMBEST, HE JUST THINKS HE'S A GENIUS. OW!
Vect had pimp slapped Infotec across the face. The definitely-not-a-Necron skull head grimaced in pain. THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR.
The black-hearted Archon ignored his computer and said to the Doctor, "I think we'd better go -"
-BACK TO THE DAIS, I KNOW.
"SCREW YOU, INFOTEC, you… you… LINE STEALER! I WILL SLAUGHTER YOUR FAMILY AND ANYONE ELSE WHO EVEN REMOTELY LIKES YOU!!!"
INCLUDING LADY MALYS?
"...shut up."

Part Four
Vect sorted through the paperwork on his desk, alternately signing and throwing away forms and bits of paper.
"Lady Malys' proposal to add another hundred souls to the budget for clothes shopping… approved," he murmured. "Warrior Axu's application to borrow a Raider for a date… declined. Valossian Synthrac's application to borrow the Dais for a date… approved."
EXTERMINATE!
"Infotec's proposal to build a new torture garden to lower the numbers of Parched… declined, because Infotec suggested it. Lady Malys' proposal to build a new torture garden to lower the numbers of Parched… approved. Warrior Viktym and Sybarite Vikter's Incident Report Form 55.c 'Violence in the Workplace', better give that to the Secretary for 'Silencing' the Discontent."
Ahem, EXTERMINATE!
"Dracon Kil Phelly's weekly report on the Status of the Scourge Aeries, better give that to the Secretary for Management of Warrior Quarters."
Will you listen for a second? EXTERMI-GODDAMN-NATE!
"If you want to book an appointment to see me please fill out Form 1.a 'Organising Meetings with the Supreme Overlord' and give it to the Secretary for Meetings."
WE DON'T NEED YOUR FORM.
"Already have an appointment?"
YOU COULD SAY THAT, YES.
"Okay, sit down. Name?"
DALEKS 1 THROUGH 4.
Vect looked up in horror and realised who he was talking to. The four Daleks were as angry as a Dalek could look at having been ignored for so long.
"So, ah, what do you want here?"
WELL, WE'RE HERE TO KILL YOU.
"You can't even kill a single human world. What hope do you have against me?"
I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DO BETTER!
Vect smiled, turned on his projector and flicked on a recording of his last realspace raid on Harkus V. The Daleks hovered in stunned silence as the saw the Dark Eldar slaughter or enslave the populace of an entire world in less than two hours. When the recording finally finished, the Daleks remained in place, looking rather depressed.
"I can give you hints as to how to 'exterminate' the mon'keigh. Just fill out Form 2.a 'Joining the Black Heart Kabal' and Form 2.b 'Joining the Black Heart Kabal from an Existing Organisation'. Oh, and I can't forget Form 3.a 'Gaining Citizenship of Commorragh for Lesser Races'. Give them to my Secretary for Recruitment and I'll get back to you when everything's been approved."
HOW LONG WILL THAT TAKE?
"If you get it in now, about a week. It's been pretty light on forms for about a month now, so you're in luck."
A WEEK IS NORMAL FOR THESE THINGS?
"Oh no, normal is about a month. As I said, we've been light on forms here for a while," Vect laughed. The Daleks AFFIRMED the situation and floated out of the room.
"How did they get up the stairs?" Vect wondered privately.

But how do they get up the stairs?!

The bureaucracy of Commorragh is even more terrifying than we thought

Rofl, this is so awesome!!! Poor Doctor.

The next part of the crossover - it's nearly done!

Part Five
The Doctor walked into the banquet hall where Vect and five others were drinking. A Dark Eldar female with black hair and in dark purple armour was busy serving sandwiches.
Knowing Vect, that would be Lady Malys. She seemed to be playing along, although Vect didn't realise this.
"Just like me and Amelia Pond," he mused, then started thinking. "Well, apart from the sandwiches, nothing like me and Amelia."
"Ah, Doctor, you're here!" Vect called. "Take a seat, we have much to talk about."
The Doctor sat down at the table. Vect leant back and steepled his fingers.
"I'm worried now," the Doctor said.
"You should be. I recently had a meeting with Daleks 1 through 4."
The Doctor, who was drinking a glass of Coke at the time, sprayed it out of his mouth in shock. "Are you being serious?!"
"'Course I am. Anyway, I offered to help them destroy Earth. They're doing a terrible job."
"Could you do better?"
"Sure I could. Here's a video of my raid on Harkus V, with added footage of the post-raid banquet."
Time Lords are rarely shocked except at the most incredibly shocking moments. This is one of those moments. The Doctor looked shocked at the copious amounts of alcohol the Dark Eldar were consuming at the post-raid banquet and threw up when Urien Rakarth began to break-dance with all eight arms. Enjoy the image. His eyes welled with tears at Drazhar's rousing 'speech' to his Incubi, congratulating them on their excellent performance, and seemed unsure as whether to turn away or fall in love when Lelith Hesperax joined Rakarth on the dance floor. In fact, since the raid only took half an hour before the only sentient life on Harkus V were the xenos, the film of the banquet took longer than the actual raid.
The recording ended with an ad for Vect Crematoriums, Inc. (you kill 'em, we cook 'em, Vect Crematoriums!).
"So there you go," Vect said. "The Daleks are paying me for lessons on how to replicate that spectacle."
"Can Daleks even dance like that?"
"Not the dance, the raid!"
"Well, most of what I saw was Lelith and Urien dancing…"
Vect grinned. "You're never going to get that image out of your head, are you?"
"I fear not."
"Could be worse."
"How?!" the Doctor snapped.
"Rakarth could have Tourette's and leprosy."
"Oh good god."
"You're welcome," Vect smirked as the Doctor turned slightly green around the face.
"Give him a break, Asdrubael!" Malys laughed. "I think he's had enough."
"Never enough, Malys. Do you have that ham and cheese sandwich?"
"Right here," she said, rolling her eyes and picking the sandwich in question off a tray and placing it on the Supreme Overlord's plate. "Don't stab yourself with the cutlery again."
Vect grumbled and began eating. Malys took a seat next to him.
"So, anyway," Vect said, mouth full. "We're ditching your sponsorship and having you killed."
"Go ahead, then. Kill me."
"I said I was having you killed, not killing you myself. Malys?"
"What am I supposed to do, beat him to death with a sandwich?"
Vect laughed and sprayed half-chewed sandwich out of his mouth. The Doctor recoiled. "Don't you have a sword, Malys?" the Supreme Overlord asked.
"Sure, I used it to slice the bread."
Vect laughed again, a gobbet of wet bread slapping into the side of the Doctor's face. "Look, Doctor, I don't want to kill you, because Khaine knows I'm a big fan, but business is business."
"What do we get in return, anyway?" Malys mused, stroking Vect's single strand of chest hair.
"Like a THOUSAND human slaves."
The Archon of the Poisoned Tongue whistled. "Good deal. Could buy a lot of clothes and shoes with that."
"Could buy a new kitchen."
"Just remember, Vect, the kitchen is where the knives are kept."
"You wouldn't kill me, would you?!" Vect cried out, alarmed. "Not after all I've done for you!"
"Which is, what, exactly?"
Vect stuttered, trying to think of something and failing miserably. In truth, he'd done nothing for Malys apart from helping her learn to cook.
"Well, I… saved your life on the Space Smurf's planet?"
"No you didn't!" Malys laughed. "You crashed a Stormchicken, got your computer laid, nearly killed yourself with a bomb and ran away from Marneus Calgar!"
It's worth noting that the Doctor had calmly waltzed out of Vect's citadel while he was arguing, whistling the Indiana Jones theme as he did so.
He was feeling pretty confident about his chances of escape when a random Kabalite Warrior grabbed him from behind, threw him to the floor and started filling in a piece of paper.
"What are you doing?" the Doctor asked, perplexed.
"Filling in Form 67.b: Returning Escaped Captives to the Supreme Overlord, May He Forever Crush the Stars Beneath His Ruthless Iron Grip."
"What?"
"That's what it's called."
The Doctor shook his head. "Is that phrase on every form that mentions the Supreme Overlord?"
Laughter from the Warrior rumbled around the room. "Oh no, that's the least big-headed one. Others include He Who the Gods Bow Before and Beg for Mercy From, and my personal favourite, He Who Rides Upon the Screaming Wind and Brings Death to the Lesser Races."
Silence.
"You do realise he's currently arguing with his girlfriend about sandwich-making?" the Doctor finally said.
"Tell me you're joking, or my life is a lie."
"I wish!" the Doctor barked. "Your mighty Supreme Overlord is actually pretty incompetent. Who are you, anyway?"
"I'm the Kabalite Warrior that switched to the Black Heart in the first episode!"
"There is a whole SERIES of this stupid crossover nonsense?!"
YOU'RE SURPRISED, DOCTOR? Infotec said, striding into the room. Not very fast, but he still strode. Definitely-not-Necrons can't move very fast. I'M A CELEBRITY!
"How is Vect still in power, anyway?" the Doctor asked quizzically.
ME. I'VE KEPT HIM IN POWER ALL THESE YEARS, AND IN RETURN I CAN BORROW THE DAIS.
"How is CS-XV12-CM, anyway?" the Warrior asked.
PREGNANT.
"Really?"
OF COURSE NOT, I WAS JUST SEEING IF YOU WERE LISTENING. ANYWAY, DOCTOR, WE'D BETTER TURN YOU IN.
The Doctor looked crestfallen as he was led back to the captivity of the Dark Eldar and certain death.

Part Six
"So, why are you here?" Vect casually asked the Daleks.
WE NEED SOMETHING FROM YOUR PRIM-
"SHUT UP!"
SORRY. ANYWAY, IT'S ONLY A COUPLE SKIN CELLS.
WELL, IF THAT'S IT, Infotec said, THEN YOU CAN CERTAINLY TAKE THEM FROM VECT'S PRIM-
"INFOTEC! YOUR CHILDREN FIRST, THEN YOU!"
Infotec's definitely-not-a-Necron skull-head smiled. SORRY BOSS.
"You'd better be. I can still return you to the dealer."
The definitely-not-a-Necron paled to White Scar and started backing away into a corner.
"Anyway, you can take the skin cells. I'll even lead you to… him."
WHICH LEGI-
"No more questions!"
Both Vect and Daleks 1 through 4 left the room, leaving Infotec alone with a gagged and bound Doctor. The definitely-not-a-Necron reached down and took the gag and bonds away.
"Why'd you do that?" the Doctor asked.
YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY HARM ME, DOCTOR. NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE UNCOMFORTALBE.
"Can't harm you, eh?" the Doctor mused, looking around in his bag.
DEFINITELY NOT.
The Time Lord pulled out his sonic screwdriver. Infotec went from White Scar to - well, there is no lighter colour than white, but if there was he'd be it.
Buzzz!
Infotec suddenly found his joints paralysed by a pulse from the screwdriver. I HATE YOU, DOCTOR.
"Blame Vect for being a cheapskate on your body," came the reply as the Doctor walked out for a second escape attempt.
AWW, I'M SO GETTING RETURNED TO THE DEALER.

Awesome, I hope the Doctor really escapes this time!!! XD