The Adventures of I-XV7-DM

Let's see what became of Infotec.

Part Seven
Infotec faced down ten zombies that were shambling towards him. He'd been left for dead by Vect (who could run faster) and for an hour now had been briskly strolling away from the zombies. They were very slow.
But he was getting robot-tired, which is to say getting bored. Turning around, he raised his left arm and pointed the blast pistol menacingly.
NO FARTHER, he stated. The zombies ignored him and kept shambling on.
Infotec sighted. He hadn't expected that to work. He raised his hands and opened fire.
Two zombies went down, but the rest kept on coming. Infotec kept shooting until the zombies reached him.
Oh wait, they were too slow. They all died. Infotec nodded and turned around.
A decrepit hand grabbed his ankle and pulled him to the ground.
AH! WHAT WAS THAT!
A zombie he thought he had killed moaned. Infotec's nerve broke, and he brutally kicked it in the face.
Need I remind you Infotec's feet are made of metal?
The zombie's head just… disappeared in a mist of red. The body floundered for a few seconds, then apparently decided that it didn't need it and attacked again.
The day was getting worse. First a giant zombie and now there were zombies that didn't die. Infotec christened them 'the zombies that do not die', because robots don't have much imagination, and ran away for the second time today, as the rest of the zombies were rising to their feet and looking angry at the minor inconvenience of being shot at point-blank range with a blast pistol.
Infotec knew where to go. It was just a question of if it was still there.

Part Eight
YES, I'M HERE, CrusaderSpirit stated. I HEARD MY FIANCEE WAS IN TROUBLE?
Vect nodded slowly, regretting that he had left Infotec behind. Malys slipped Vect a haywire grenade behind his back, just in case. He nodded his thanks.
"You could say that," Vect said slowly.
"But it wouldn't be true," Malys covered. "Last I heard, he was fighting a giant zombie, but that's no biggie for him."
Rakarth was privately wondering just what sort of a fiancée CrusaderSpirit was.
FIGHTING A GIANT ZOMBIE?! She screeched.
Oh, she was that sort of fiancée. Rakarth winced, thinking of the speech she would give Infotec when she found him. I-can't-believe-you-did-that-you-could-have-been-killed. Mrs Rakarth never gave those speeches to him anymore. She was a Grotesque now.
Hey, a Haemonculus gotta do what a Haemonculus gotta do, he justified when Drazhar had questioned him.
Meanwhile, CrusaderSpirit was still ranting on. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IRRESPONSIBLE IT WAS TO LET HIM DO THAT? SO CLOSE TO OUR WEDDING TOO?
"Hey, it was me or him," Vect said, digging himself a hole so deep he could no longer see the light at the top. "And frankly, I run faster."
"Vect?" Malys whispered.
"Yeah?"
"Shut up."
It was too late.
SO YOU LEFT HIM TO DIE.
"No, I-"
LEFT HIM TO DIE.
"In all fairness, we were both running-"
I SHOULD PIN YOU TO THE WALL. WITH AN ASSAULT CANNON ROUND.
Vect shut up before he turned the 'should' into a 'will'.
I AM GOING TO FIND HIM. HE HAD BEST BE ALIVE, OR YOU WON'T BE.
CrusaderSpirit drove out, fuming. A cat got in her way, and a sponson flung out and smacked the unfortunate feline in the chest, sending it flying away with an indignant 'meow!'.
"What is with these Ultramarines?" Vect grumbled when she was out of earshot. "Always so serious."
Malys refrained from pointing out that if Vect's Primarch was more uptight than your average third world dictator he'd be pretty serious as well. He'd just tell her to get back in the kitchen.
"…" Drazhar explained, but in much more graphic terms.
Rakarth was about to add to the conversation when a webway portal flared.
"That wasn't supposed to happen…" Rakarth said, confused.
Marneus Calgar emerged, resplendent in Terminator armour, and looked down at assembled Dark Eldar.
"That is what she said," he said simply, killing the imposing look completely.
His gaze met Vect.
"Supreme Overlord."
"Chapter Master. Got a new Thunderhawk yet?"
"Got a life yet?"
"Play nice, boys," Malys began to interject, then stopped when both men glared at her. She stepped back.
"I don't need a life, I have a city."
"Yet you still don't have AV14."
"Back off, Calgar."
"No, you back off." Calgar raised a power fist to prove a point.
Vect backed off.
___________
Methinks I'm getting too fond of being mean to Vect.

Quote :

Methinks I'm getting too fond of being mean to Vect.

Impossible! You must be meaner Or at least keep up the good work

Quote :

"Supreme Overlord."
"Chapter Master. Got a new Thunderhawk yet?"
"Got a life yet?"
"Play nice, boys," Malys began to interject, then stopped when both men glared at her. She stepped back.
"I don't need a life, I have a city."
"Yet you still don't have AV14."

Ouch! My Lhamaean side appreciates these exchanges. The rest of me is just giggling

Part Nine
Infotec kicked down the door of the abandoned laboratory. No zombies in sight. Grinning (a very disturbing sight on his not-a-Necron face), he strode over to a shelf filled with vials.
This was what he had been planning for centuries. Like any good Dark Eldar, he had been plotting to overthrow Vect, although for Infotec this was not so much a goal as a relaxing pastime. Within these vials were contained a biological superweapon that could wipe out an entire species. They were filled with a poison that affected only a single species, determined by a gene-code.
He also had genocidal tendencies, but who didn't?
This was one of his failed experiments, based upon the hypothesis that Vect was so dumb that he could not possibly the same species as, say, Duke Sliscus. It had only just occurred to Infotec that this could be used as a weapon against the zombie hordes.
He seized one vial and picked off a tiny chunk of flesh from the giant zombie that had gotten stuck on one of his spikes. Quickly, he dropped the chunk into the vial, which began bubbling. Infotec cackled like a mad scientist.
CrusaderSpirit chose just that moment to drive in.
THERE YOU ARE! She said, tone reprimanding. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU?!
TWENTY MINUTES? Infotec guessed.
TWENTY-TWO!
Well, that was pretty close. Infotec turned his audio receptors off as CrusaderSpirit began talking about 'responsibility' and 'duty', while plotting about how he could turn his plague to his advantage.
WELL? CrusaderSpirit said, and Infotec realised he was supposed to reply.
I, ER, YES, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE RESPONSIBLE.
CrusaderSpirit grunted, displeased with the answer. COME ON, WE'RE GOING, she stated.
BUT THERE'S A SUPERWEAPON HERE I COULD USE AGAINST THE ZOMBIES! Infotec protested, in vain, as he was forcibly dragged away from the lab. He was ignored.
WHAT DID I DO? Infotec wondered, genuinely curious. OF COURSE YOU FIGHT IN A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE…
Alas, he never received an answer.

Part Ten
Vect had made a plan.
Many a fail had began with these words, such was the strategic skill of the Supreme Overlord. This one was simple, and that was the beauty of it, so he said.
It involved running away from the ZRA headquarters as fast as he can before CrusaderSpirit returned. Malys thought this was a good idea, and decided to accompany him.
"Do you think we are safe now?" she panted after running across half of High Commorragh.
Vect though about CrusaderSpirit's anger. "Uh… no."
Malys winced. "How much farther?" she said, massaging her armoured feet.
Vect considered. "A long, long way," he said lamely.
A laugh echoed across the ruined section of the city.
"What was that?" Malys asked swiftly.
"I don't know," Vect admitted, not for the first time that day.
The laugh echoed again, closer this time.
And then its source revealed itself.
She wasn't particularly tall, or graceful, which wasn't saying much considering she was a human, but she made Malys' wardrobe look like it was filled with moth-eaten rags. At first Vect mistook her for an Inquisitor, misled by the number of skulls on her robes, but then he realised what she actually was.
A necromancer.
They had found the source of the plague.
Vect did the logical thing.
He ran away.
"You coward!" Malys screeched. "Don't leave me here-"
The necromancer attacked, throwing a zombie's rotten head at Malys. The improvised projectile collided and sent her flying into a wall.
The necromancer's eyes glowed black with psychic power for a second, and a cloud of dust fell into Malys' mouth. She gagged.
"What was that?" she spat.
The necromancer smiled. "That would be the cause of this plague. Soon, you will turn into one of my minions… and be under my control… forever."
"Will I still know how to manicure myself?" she gulped.
The necromancer grinned. "Of course not. You will have no knowledge of anything in your life."
Malys howled in fury as the necromancer teleported away.
Vect then returned, a little too late. Malys blurted out the story quickly, in the almost certainly futile hope that the Supreme Pimp Lord would know what to do.
"I know what to do," he grinned. Malys nearly choked on her shock.
"Breath in," he said. "as deep as you can."
She did so.
"Now breath out."
She did.
"Breath in - breathe out - breathe in - breathe out - breathe in - breathe out-"
This continued for a few minutes, with no signs that it was helping.
"Are you sure this will save me? It's not doing anything!" Malys blurted out angrily.
"No, it won't help. I just like seeing your chest rise and fall."
Malys leaped to her feet and kicked Vect (no prizes for guessing where). His eyes bulged and he fell over.
"Now is not the time for jokes!" she screeched. Vect nodded with watery eyes.
"Okay," she said, calming down. "We have to go back to ZRA HQ. Rakarth will know what to do."
Vect whimpered.
"What is it?" she spat.
"C-C-CrusaderSpirit…"
Malys grinned maliciously. "That's your problem, not mine."

___________________

Next up…
The final showdown!
More zombies!
A live performance by Bon Jovi!
And... a rap battle?

Sorry it took so long for this part to get out, the rap battles were a lot harder to write than I anticipated.

Nevertheless,

Part Eleven
The ZRA was in a big, big mess. Zombies were launching a full-on assault on it, perhaps by command of the necromancer at the heart of the apocalypse. Vect and Malys had to kick, punch and cut their way through a veritable army that would make an Ork Warboss green with envy, if he wasn't already green.
Finally, they arrived at the door of the HQ, where Rakarth let them in, to a surprising sight.
"Jon Bon Jovi?" Malys began, confused. "What are you doing here?"
The world-famous musician grinned. "I'm here for" -guitar chord- "motivation."
"…" Drazhar added.
"And how will you motivate us?" Vect asked.
"It's my life, it's now or never! And I ain't gonna live forever!"
Outside, the zombies wailed in despair, although Vect couldn't tell if it was because the ZRA was redoubling their efforts or they just didn't like old rock goodness. Regardless, the result was perfect. The horde began to fall back.
Jon Bon Jovi grinned, and burst into Living on a Prayer. Drazhar seemed to like this song.
"…" he sang along, albeit off-key.
In fact, victory was almost certainly inevitable.
Until the ponies appeared.
"Oh god no," Rakarth breathed.
"…" Drazhar said in mute horror.
"Who brought them in here?!" Vect demanded.
Malys tried to look inconspicuous.
The music stopped as even Jon Bon Jovi gazed on in horror at what they were carrying.
The Orbital Friendship Cannon.
"We have gazed upon this city and found it corrupt with hatred," Twilight Sparkle intoned solemnly.
"Now it shall be healed," Moondancer added.
"Now, stop your fighting and TASTE THE RAINBOW!!" Starflower bellowed, preparing to fire.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" everybody, even the zombies, screamed.
They fell on the ponies with the fury of the Angry Marines, of Angron, of Khorne himself.
The ponies were sent straight to Vect's palace.
And Malys'. And Rakarth's laboratory. And a few Incubi shrines. And, just for good measure, Vect sent the heads to Kheralphabet's lair.
They all found it a bit hard to believe that three tiny ponies could be torn into so many pieces.
With the threat of non-grimdarkness dealt with, the battle resumed. Calgar was death incarnate, beating zombies with his power fists and often shouting taunts about their mothers while he was at it. Drazhar was much the same, except without the taunts. Infotec arrived in tow of CrusaderSpirit, and both of them began throwing plague vials.
Suddenly, Malys collapsed. She groaned and coughed blood.
"I'm going to miss manicures," she whispered, and collapsed. Vect ran over.
"What's wrong?"
"The zombie dust… it's… working!"
Vect looked around. "We'll have to kill the necromancer to stop the process. Try not to get zombified in the meanwhile."
He resumed battling, cutting apart a zombie with every stroke of his sceptre.
And when the horde was nearly depleted, Vect found who he was looking for.
The necromancer had arrived.
"You," he said simply. She tilted her head.
"You have defeated my zombies," she admitted. "But you will never defeat me."
"Single combat then," Vect suggested.
"How would you fight?" the necromancer hissed.
"As we are. Rakarth can be the witness and judge."
She grinned. "Done."
The necromancer rose to her full height and hovered slightly above the ground.
"BEGIN!" Rakarth shouted.
The necromancer began.
"The clock is ticking, my time is nigh
Yours is gone so I'll make you cry
I have better things to do than knock you down
But I don't even need to 'cause you're such a clown.
You had to lie to take control of this city
Well there are no lies now. A pity.
You could use some help
Just another person for me to belt.
You think you're a pimp but you're really a muppet
What's that? You're begging for me to stop it?
Not gonna happen. I have a battle to win.
Too easy, I don't even need to think.
And speaking of thinking,
What is the reason
For your computer who does all the speaking?
You're a fool, you're a tool, and your time is up
Your computer's why you're still in power but gone is your hour so just get out!"

As the necromancer finished the verse, she pulled a trick out of Vect's book and dropped a Space Marine ship down on top of his head. The assembled Dark Eldar gasped in horror.
"I win," the necromancer grinned. Shocked silence filled the area.
"Is he… actually… dead?" Malys whispered, instead thinking of her imminent zombification.
"That was more than a little bit ironic," Rakarth said, pointing at the ship. "Well, in the absence of a contender, I must declare the necromancer the wi-"
Suddenly, the ship shuddered and Vect crawled out from beneath it. His eyes flared.
"NO! Only I can do that.
You stole my thunder and you suck at rap.
I've wasted enough time, so I'll end you with speed
But that won't mean that you won't bleed.
I held onto this city for six thousand years
You take control of a few hundred zombies
I'll pimp slap you to death!
Crush you with a Space Marine ship!
You serve no purpose, foolish witch.
Now get down on your knees
And MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!!"

The necromancer cried out in pain, blood pouring from her ears from the force of Vect' verbal assault. As a final blow, Vect pulled out some bread and cheese from his pocket and tossed it at her feet.
"Well," Rakarth said, impressed. "I think Vect may have won."
The necromancer rose, furious. "You may have defeated me today, but I will never stop trying to slay you, Vect!"
She raised her hands, black fire crackling along them. CrusaderSpirit, however, reacted quickly, driving forward… over the necromancer.
THAT'S CHEATING! She scolded.
A loud squish ensued with the splayed arms of the necromancer poking out from under the Land Raider's tracks.
MARVELOUS! Infotec cried, sucking up to his fiancée.
"Well, now that's over," Rakarth said. "We can hold the wedding soon."
All present brightened. Jon Bon Jovi grinned and played a guitar chord. "I have just the song for the occasion," he promised.
"You forgot something," Malys pointed out.
"What?" Vect asked.
"There's a buck's night and a hen's night to organise, isn't there?"
___________________
Next up, the wedding!

For a minute there, it looked shaky for the future of grim darkness as we know it :O There were nearly rainbows ...

A hen night, however, is a scary enough thing to witness in sunny Chester. One can only imagine the horrors of one in the Dark City ...

Oh dear, I've just realised how long it's been since the last update. I've been quite busy.

Nonetheless, the wedding will be up in under an hour if all goes well! Again, an apology for the late update.

EDIT: AND HERE IT IS!

Part Twelve
This was the wedding of the century in the Dark City, in fact the second biggest wedding since Vect and Malys' all those years ago. It was yet to be seen if it would turn out to be the second biggest divorce as well.
Infotec hoped not.
He had transferred his consciousness into the Dais for this occasion, and waited at the altar, sponsons fidgeting nervously. Oh, he hoped he wouldn't mess this up. The location was perfect - the spire of the Rainbow Hugs Kabal had been levelled to provide enough space, and a few raids had brought in a brand-new sun which wasn't actually dying for a change. The result was a well-lit wide open space with many decorations (coughspikescough) around, the altar itself simple and carved of black marble.
It was a pretty big altar, though, considering those who were getting married.
Eldrad, as promised, was to conduct the ceremony. Dressed in rune-bound Farseer robes, he waited with Infotec, showing more calm though.
Vect was, of course, the best man. He'd had problems getting the idea that for once he wasn't the centre of the attention, but Malys had eventually forced him into a plain black suit and tie over a white collared shirt.
Suddenly, music began playing and CrusaderSpirit deep struck in. She looked nervous too as she rolled up the aisle, escorted by Marneus Calgar, playing as the father of the bride since, well, tanks don't usually have fathers.
Eldrad began when she reached the altar.
"We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of this man and woman-"
".…" Drazhar interrupted from the crowd.
"Ah, yes, this tank and tank in marriage," Eldrad continued. "Thank you Drazhar. Now, if there are any who object to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace."
There was silence, although a couple rude Kabalites were snickering at the absurdity of the situation.
"Very well then. I now pronounce you man and wife-"
"…"
"Tank and tank-wife!"
Cheers erupted and confetti fell down from the nearby spires. The moment was somewhat spoiled by a solar pulse from the new sun, which resulted in a couple unfortunate deaths and brief blindness for those not in celebratory armour.
But despite that, it was a very happy occasion.
Even the ponies would have agreed with that statement.

Aww, who doesn't love a good spiky wedding?

Where's the honeymoon going to be?

Quote :

".…" Drazhar interrupted from the crowd.

XD

I do love Drazhar! I look forward to the next installment.

How have I missed this before now?!?

Fantastic work. Thanks so much for doing this.

Real life sucks. Especially when your laptop breaks for weeks and you can't even write anymore.

Well, really iits a sad excuse. But I do have an overdue update!

Part One
The skies above Tervia Gamma rumbled. The citizens looked into the skies, slightly confused as to what was happening. When nothing did, they shrugged and resumed their daily lives.

If they hadn’t been so confident in their safety, they might have survived the darklight bomb that got dropped onto the capital city.

Of course, that only destroyed the capital. Before the rest of the planet noticed (for it was a very small planet, such that the supersonic transports would convey news in a matter of minutes), a series of extremely dark green grav-craft flew from a portal and started shooting everything around.

The trading city of Firven was the first to know of the darklight bomb, and thusly the first to fall to the xenos invaders.

Asdrubael Vect, Supreme Overlord of Commorragh, jumped off of his Dais of Destruction as it passed by the Trade Centre in the middle of the city. His computer/advisor/slave/alter ego Infotec followed him in, as did Lady Malys, his… I don’t even know how to classify that relationship…

Nonetheless, they killed everybody in the Trade Centre and smashed their way into the treasury at the heart of the building.

WHOA, Infotec said. THAT’S A LOT OF GOLD…

“Dibs on the weapon collection!” Vect screamed, dive-bombing into a five-metre high stack of gold coins.

DIBS ON ALL THE MECHANICAL UPGRADES! Infotec followed suit.

“Ooh look!” Malys exclaimed. “Fluffy pink handcuffs!”

Vect and Infotec whirled around to look at her. She shrunk back from their gaze.

“Don’t judge me!” she hissed.

Suddenly, a loud rumble sounded from outside and the wall collapsed. Half a dozen Kabalite Warriors ran in, grabbing fistfuls of gold and stuffing them in every pocket in their armour available.

“Let’s go,” Malys offered. “There’s bound to be more loot elsewhere.”

This sounded like a good idea, but just as they turned to leave a webway portal burst into existence right in front of them. Caught by surprise, the trio walked in, nearly being decapitated by the exiting Ravager.

“That was close!” Vect exclaimed.

Infotec began to nod, but then stopped, startled. WE JUST WALKED INTO THE WEBWAY…

Malys turned around, but the portal was closed.

OH DEAR. THAT’S BAD.

Slowly, the Archon of the Poisoned Tongue Kabal turned back to Vect and Infotec, fists clenched. She took a deep breath, and then exhaled it all in a single word bristling with rage, indignation and hatred.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-”

*several minutes later*

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Nice!” Vect complimented.

She slapped him.



Part Two
OKAY, NO NEED TO WORRY, Infotec assured them, although his tone suggested the exact opposite. WE JUST GET ONE OF YOU TWO TO USE YOUR SPARE WEBWAY PORTALS.

An awkward silence followed.

YOU DIDN’T BRING ANY, DID YOU?

An even longer, more awkward silence consumed the webway.

OH, HELL.

“So what do you suggest we do?” Malys asked, looking around nervously. The landscape was what you’d expect; a barren grey wasteland made of solidified smoke. It looked a lot like the inside of a Space Marine’s bedroom, minus the occasional poster of a Sister of Battle.

“We go this way!” Vect exclaimed, pointing in a direction that looked just as promising as the others. That is, not at all.

“Might as well,” Malys shrugged.

They set off in that direction, ignoring the ominous screeches of lost souls in the distance. The walk was more boring than a game of Trivial Pursuit, especially to Vect, who had an attention span of about two minutes (the amount of time it took him to read the much-loved children’s book Curious George Goes to Ultramar).

Eventually, though, they came across an abandoned scrapyard from before Commorragh’s founding. Infotec peered in there.

HEY, THAT LOOKS LIKE GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRANDFATHER TORTUREBOT-XV26-SCYTHEMODE!

“Remind me never to look at your family tree,” Malys muttered.

UH-OH.

“What?” Vect and Malys asked simultaneously.

THAT IS GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRANDFATHER TORTUREBOT-XV26-SCYTHEMODE…

“I have a bad feeling about this…” Vect moaned.

Abruptly, seven black-clad Eldar armed with crude but sharp-looking knives and swords leapt out at the trio. As Infotec was the closest, he took a knife right to the middle of his chest and collapsed, gurgling.

“It’s a trap!” Malys screeched.

YOU DON’T SAY? *GURGLE*

Vect flicked his sceptre into combat mode, and his two assailants faltered at the sight of the spiked weapon crackling with electricity.

“Who’s afraid now?” he challenged. Two more Eldar moved to engage him, whirling their weapons in blurring patterns.

“Me and my big mouth…” he sighed, stepping forward to meet the charge.

Meanwhile, Malys was facing down the other three. One stabbed clumsily at her, a blow she easily parried with her steel fan (fashionable and deadly!). The other two tried to flank her. Seeing this, she leapt into the air, kicking to the sides as she did so. Her armoured feet caught her attackers full in the face, sending blood and broken teeth everywhere. The two Eldar collapsed, unconscious. The other one hesitated, before turning and running. He made about three steps before Malys stabbed him in the heart.

Vect had landed a lucky strike on one of the attackers, but the other three closed in, striking simultaneously. He parried one, dodged another, but the third impaled him in his side. Vect roared in pain, and Malys moved to help. The three attackers hesitated, ran over and grabbed Infotec’s prone body.

“One step and we cut his throat!” one cried out.

“GET THEM!!” Vect roared.

“No!” Malys called. “They’ll kill Infotec!”

“But they stabbed me!” Vect whined, sounding like a pre-schooler.

“You’ll live,” she assured him.

“No he won’t, the blade was poisoned,” one of the Eldar cackled gleefully. “Team, form up and let’s get out!”

The three Eldar leapt away into the scrapyard, dragging Infotec with them. Vect decided that he really didn’t like this holiday.

_____________

Apologies for the abysmally messed-up formatting.

Fashionable and deadly! It's what every accessory should be

Good to see Malys stabbing people in the heart after a long day at wor- I mean in realspace.

I'm sorry it toom so long to update, time I should have spent writing I instead spent composing songs, and mocking the Tau because why not?

____________________________
Part Three
Infotec slowly regained consciousness, blinking his eyes open with a pain-filled mechanical groan. The first thing he saw was a masked face. He recognised it as the Eldar that had stabbed him earlier.
WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME? He managed. Talking was difficult, obviously his entire mechanical nervous system had been damaged. His captor grinned.
"We don't really want anything. But, after a hundred years stuck in this hellhole, we need to feed rather badly."
YOU'RE...GOING TO EAT ME?
"Mmm, that was the general idea."
YOU DO REALISE THAT I'M A ROBOT.
"We're quite hungry."
Infotec gave up. You can't argue with a crazy person - they'll bring you down to their level and beat you through experience. These particular crazy people were definitely set on eating him. His only hope was if they suddenly caught the plague and died, because that was far more likely than Vect coming to rescue him.
Little did he know what was happening, not that far away…

"Ouch!" Vect squealed as Malys applied the ointment.
"Don't be such a baby," she snapped. "This will clear you of the poison."
"It stings," he complained. "I'm going home to get some proper medical treatment."
He stood up and prepared to walk off.
"Where are you going?" Malys demanded.
"Home?" he asked, feeling his hope fading.
"No you aren't!" Malys scolded. "We're going to rescue Infotec."
"Do we have to?"
"Yes we do!" she yelled in his face. "What would CrusaderSpirit say if you left him to die?"
"Well, according to her I already tried to do that…"
Malys gave him a look so vicious it made the Swarmlord look like a friendly kitten. Vect gulped loudly. He was definitely going to have to save Infotec.
"I guess I could try," he said lamely.
_______________________________
To make it up to you, I scribbled down an Infotec alignments chart and will post it if I can figure out how.

I'm still pretty new to this image-sharing thing.

They must save Infotec! Without him Vect is doomed!

...
.....
........

.. well. ok, they should probably still save him for the sake of Commorragh.

Part Four
Back in realspace, things were somehow even worse than they were in the webway. Without Vect to control it, the Dark City was spiralling out of control. Many Archons were vying to take over, and murder, blackmail and other crimes were even more rampant.
Dr Doom, Vect's head of Applied Sciences, had been frantically trying to stop the dissent, even going so far as to drop a bomb on the newly-rebuilt spire of the Kabal of Rainbow Hugs. This, however, hadn't worked, but on the upside it was quite funny.
There was still, however, the problem at hand. Doom was a self-taught expert in anarchy, and from his judge this was a damn good one. Vect's sudden disappearance had been disastrous for all involved, except the person that would eventually take over.
Doom checked his timepiece. The most likely candidate would receive a parcel in the mail in about two seconds…
A small explosion rocked the city. Ah, there it was.
One down, but another would take his place. If Lady Malys were here, she would have been an adept regent but she had disappeared with the Supreme Overlord. As it stood, no Archon would be able to control the city for long before running it into the ground.
The situation was grim. Unless Vect returned soon, the Dark City was doomed…
The good doctor decided that was enough misery for the while and went to get refreshments. He walked out to Vect's personal juice bar - yes, they do have juice in Commorragh - and ordered a Tau smoothie from the bartender. As he sat at the counter drinking it, Doom wondered what had happened to the Supreme Overlord and if he'd ever get back.

***

In this case, it was best that he didn't know, because Vect was embarrassing the entire Dark Eldar race with his incompetence.
Let's just say, never leave him in charge of making battle plans…
"So, if we come in from different sides, we can catch them between us and slaughter them!" he proclaimed to Malys. They had been fortunate enough to discover where Infotec's captors were camping and the two were currently making plans to attack them. This wasn't helped by the fact that more of the strange black-clad Eldar had arrived, meaning the two Archons were outnumbered eleven to two.
Malys frowned. "But they outnumber us and will see us coming."
"So we sneak up."
"Sure. Let's sneak up over fifty metres of completely clear terrain. Did you bring the invisibility cloak? Maybe a broomstick so you can fly?"
Vect pouted. "This is too complicated. Can't we just go home and kill all the bunny rabbits in the spire of the Kabal of Rainbow Hugs?"
"Sure!" Malys said cheerfully. "After we've rescued Infotec."
Vect looked at the map that had been drawn in the dirt, thinking so hard his face turned red and steam starting coming out from between his ears. His eyes alighted on a cliff not too far from Infotec's prison.
"Hey Malys, how many spare dresses did you bring?"

Part Five
Vect's plan, while rough, ended up being quite workable with a little refinement. Soon, it was ready to be put into action.
The two Archons ascended the cliff and prepared for combat.
"I can't believe I had to waste perfectly good dresses for this," Malys said mournfully, equipping her impromptu parachute that was the product of said dresses.
"You've never dive-bombed an enemy camp before?" Vect asked, genuinely surprised. "It's totally worth it. Even more fun than putting wasabi sauce in the communal fruit punch."
"So it was YOU!"
Vect's eyes widened and he shook his head in denial. "N-no, I heard about it from someone else."
Clearly not convinced, Malys nonetheless prepared to leap off the cliff. Vect followed her, spreading his parachute.
"CHARGE!!!" he screamed, leaping off of the cliff. Malys heard a lot of pain-filled cries, culminating in an 'oh, bugger!'.
She walked t the edge and looked down at Vect, who was rather predictably stuck in the only tree for miles around.
"Little help?" he gestured weakly.

Twenty minutes later
"Take two!" Vect yelled. This time, he took aim before jumping. Malys waited a few seconds for the predictable failure, but when it didn't happen, she shrugged and followed him.
The wind caught in her parachute like a shoddy home-made version of Batman's cape. Buffeted by the winds of the webway, Malys took aim and yelled in exultation. Vect was right - this was fun!
Meanwhile, Infotec's hyper-attuned senses heard her cry of happiness, and he looked up - just in time to see Vect plummeting head-first towards him.
WHAT THE-
Vect crashed into Infotec, breaking the chains binding him and making his hungry Eldar captives very surprised. Seconds later, Malys landed, much more gracefully, with sword and fan in hand. In seconds, she'd killed two of the captors and set fire to a tent.
She glanced over at Vect, who had saved his failure for the landing. The muppet had knocked himself out.
"You are SO getting castrated," she snarled, preparing for a very one-sided fight against nine irritated hungry Eldar. She looked over at them.
"Sorry, took a wrong turn, where's the nearest exit?" she said hopefully as they closed in…

-----
So you see, being Vect takes a very special kind of stupid.

Part Six
Malys woke up tied to the decayed husk of a tree, well away from any incendiary devices. She could guess why. A few metres across, Vect was tied to a large stake in the ground and a few more from that was Infotec, trapped in haywire chains.
The Supreme Overlord of currently not even his own fate woke up with a burp.
"Did we win?" he asked groggily. Fortunately for him, Malys was just too far away to kick him.
Two of the Eldar walked over, carrying very wicked-looking knives. Their grins weren't exactly the most comforting thing you could imagine.
"You've been quite a bit of trouble," one of them said.
"Which one of us?" Vect asked stupidly.
"Her. You're just pathetic."
Vect looked rather taken aback by this but refrained from commenting, maybe after looking again at the knives. Malys couldn't tell.
"So what happens now?" she asked as casually as she could manage. That said, she was shaking so bad it appeared she had contracted Parkinson's in the past few minutes.
"There is an easy way, and a hard way," the other captor smirked.
"I'll pick the easy way," she agreed.
The first one nodded, and the other Eldar walked over and pulled her up.
"When we said easy way, we meant easy for us," he guffawed.
"What exactly are you planning?" Malys asked, more to the author than anyone else. She'd read far too many novels that had this end in an extremely unpleasant way.
"The captain will torture you for information and if possible a ransom!"
Well, it was better than what she'd thought.
Dirty-minded space elves.
Malys glanced over at Vect, who was looking somewhat happier than he should be, given the circumstances.
"You're going to enjoy watching this, aren't you?" she growled as deeply as she could manage.
"Well, I am a Dark Eldar," Vect said defensively.
"You're next," the second captor said.
"That'd be right."
All appeared lost. Malys knew that the Kabals would never pay a ransom for a hated Archon, unless you were the Kabal of Rainbow Hugs. Which you really shouldn't be because they're pathetic.
Suddenly, Infotec whispered in her mind.
MALYS, DO YOU NOTICE THOSE TORN-UP DRINK CANS NEARBY?
She wasn't sure how Infotec was managing to do this, but she wasn't complaining!
WHILE OUR CAPTORS ARE DISTRACTED, KICK ONE OVER TO ME. I HAVE A PLAN!
One-up on the rest of them. Malys did so as subtly as she could. Luck (or plot) was on her side, as neither captor noticed, as they were too busy debating the merits of flaying over death by a thousand cuts.
Slowly but surely, Infotec edged over, touching his haywire chains to the can. A bolt of electricity grounded, breaking the circuit, and Infotec seized the moment, snapping his bonds in one fluid motion, flicking out his blast pistols. Two short bursts later, and the charred lower bodies of the two would-be torturers fell to the ground, because the upper half had suddenly disintegrated.
Infotec ran over and grabbed one of the knives, cutting Malys', then Vect's bonds. By this time, the other seven Eldar had arrived and were taking aim with shoddy but deadly firearms. Infotec shot another two, and Malys grabbed a blade and cut open another before leaping on to the next.
Within seconds, only two were left. Seeing they were doomed, they shot at Vect, despite the fact that he had done absolutely nothing in the fight. He was just that annoying.
Fortunately, their aim was positively terrible, and Vect even managed to get a kill on the last one by seizing a fallen rifle and getting off a quick shot.
Seizing the opportunity, the trio started running as fast as they could away from the enemy camp. There was little risk of attack, but you could never be too sure.
When they were at a safe distance, they stopped, panting. Vect stood up proudly.
"You're welcome," he said. "Be glad I saw fit to save your lives again."
Before Infotec realised what was happening, Vect was lying on the ground sobbing in pain, clutching his crotch. The robot looked over at Malys, guessing correctly what happened.
"I'm not in the mood," she explained innocently.
I NOTICED.